Here is my list of New Year’s resolutions for the newly separated pop Queen, Britney Spears:
10. When breaking up in any future relationships (and I have a feeling there will be more than one), Britney might want to resolve to actually tell the dumped in person, instead of by text message as Spears reportedly did with Kevin Federline. Whatever, Federline’s transgressions, and I’m sure there were many, (including that cd) that seems like a pretty trailer-parkish way to go about a divorce.
9. Resolve to make her marriages last longer than that infamous kiss with Madonna at the music awards show in 2003.
8. Britney Spears should resolve to use a car seat for her children when driving. After the previous incident, Britney used the excuse that her Father drove with her in his lap, as if to imply that she turned out all right.
7. Resolve to wear shoes in public restrooms. Nothing screams “redneck” like entering a convenience store bathroom barefoot, as Spears did a couple of years back. Have you ever seen a clean restroom at a convenience store?
6. Resolve to dye her hair back to blonde. Enough of the return to her roots. The dark hair could be enough to blow her chances with golfer John Daly, who recently filed for divorce from his 4th wife, all blondes. Think of the possibilities of this twosome. In the Redneck Universe, a union between Britney Spears and John Daly would be bigger than Prince Charles and Lady Di in the 80’s.
5. Resolve to decide whether to be a nude model and include images of gay sex, masturbation, etc in her shows, or be the virginal little young Republican she wants the public to believe she is.
4. Make a resolution to not appear in any more commercials with Bob Dole and dogs. It took me years to get over the image of Bob Dole and Britney Spears so soon after Dole’s ED ads. When Dole says “down boy”, it’s unclear whether he’s addressing the dog, or…something else.
3. Resolve to appear on celebrity Jeopardy, but make sure to go against Jessica Simpson, maybe the only celebrity Britney could outwit. Even though Margaret Spelling, the Secretary of Education, recently lost to Lenny from the famed duo of Lenny and Squiggy of the 70’s show Laverne and Shirley, I still think she could take Spears.
2. Resolve to make certain that no future lovers or Husbands have a video camera in the bedroom, or wherever pop starlets choose to get romantic these days. Even though Federline’s attorney says there is no sex tape, attorneys have been known to fudge, or play with words, such as the meaning of the word “is”.
1. Last of all, Britney Spears should resolve to NEVER, EVER, EVER do a cd or even a single about the breakup with Federline, or even the annulment with Jason Alexander. Nothing strikes me as more pathetic than singers writing musical whinefests about a broken relationship whether it’s Sheryl Crow singing about Eric Clapton or Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears.