This new year, Kevin Federline’s dealing with a nasty divorce and a plummeting career. Here are some new year’s resolution suggestions that could help K-Fed improve his entire situation to its former luster.
1. Play it cool. Avoid every impulse to talk that you have. Don’t write anything down. Just become faceless for a few months. Because if you open your mouth this new year, you’re going to say something retarded, and everyone will be reminded of how much they don’t like you.
2. Realize how white you are. You’re whiter than the kid from Powder, Kevin Federline. Get a clue. No matter how many black friends you get, no matter how much you buy into the “ghetto” culture, you’re never going to be 50 Cent. At absolute best, you might be a few points lower than Paul Wall. But not without some dental work, my friend.
3. Bathe. You look like it hurts to touch you. Water is not your enemy. People associate “Kevin Federline” with “industrial waste”. Get thee to a chlorine shower and a delousing.
4. Never write another song again, ever. I mean it. I’m not just saying it. You, Kevin Federline, have absolutely no musical talent that isn’t equaling exhibited by a piece of cardboard. You are to music what Michael Jordan is to music. Popozao your ass off the face of the musical planet and consider taking up a career that’s more your speed; I hear Burger King’s hiring.
5. Settle for the 10 million. All you did was have sex with Britney Spears, and you started when she was hot; you should be paying her. Be thankful that you’re going to be richer than I will ever be for doing infinitely less.
6. Don’t try to get the kids. You don’t have any source of income now that Britney’s gone. If you get the kids, they’re going to hate you for the rest of your life for dooming them to a trailer when they could’ve had a mansion.
7. Hit your head into a brick wall two hundred thirty seven times. Once for each time America’s wondered if you were for real. Hey, it’s only going to improve your intelligence; maybe it’ll unlock some super Kevin Federline with the brain power of a god. More than likely, you’ll just forget how to eat. Win-win situation.
8. Become a scientologist. It’s the only other stupid thing left for you to do; don’t disappoint us. Live up to the Kevin Federline name; be the biggest retard you can be.
9. Get Christina Aguilera and Mandy Moore pregnant. You could get a pop-icon hat trick. It’s too good to pass up, man. You’ve just got to get a little less disgusting for Mandy Moore and then a whole lot more disgusting for Christina Aguilera. The name Kevin Federline will be holy on the lips of gold diggers for the rest of time.
10. Announce that your career has been a clever ruse. Appear in a top hat and a tuxedo, then bow and announce that everything you’ve done up to this point in your life has been part of a performance piece showing the effect of white trash on pop singers. People may believe you if you have a monocle and if you change your name from Kevin Federline to J.R. Pippenpopple. Trust me on this.