It should be pretty clear to everyone, based on the recent midterm elections, that President George W. Bush needs to reorient his life. So, in the spirit of civic responsibility, here are my suggestions for New Year’s resolutions on behalf of all citizens.
1. Based on the positive reaction to firing Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, resolve to fire one cabinet member every week for the next three months. Suggest you start with Condi Rice. Your fellow citizens will really like this.
2. Because of the clear public rejection of the Iraq war, resolve to tell your fellow citizens in a TV speech that you have finally concluded that we cannot win the war and, therefore, that you are directing the military to immediately plan for withdrawal. And also admit that it was a really bad idea – that you got from Vice President Cheney. Say you’re sorry.
3. Resolve to NOT bomb Iran, because the nation really cannot afford another losing war. Tell the Iranian president you want to be friends.
4. As difficult as it surely is, resolve to obtain the services of the most competent psychiatrist, psychologist or hypnotist in the nation that can permanently remove that terrible smirk you constantly show. Trust me, your fellow citizens really hate that smirk.
5. To better get in touch with your fellow Americans, resolve to read three major newspapers a day, watch four popular TV shows daily, and randomly phone call two Americans daily for a relaxed conversation about the difficulties they face in their lives. And remember that the less time you spend on official business, the less trouble you get us into.
6. Resolve to never, ever again talk in that phony southern, Texas drawl in any public appearance in order to show your folksy, common guy side. Also resist trying to speak Spanish to impress the Hispanic community.
7. Based on his far better foreign policies and intelligence, resolve to call your father at least four times a week and seek his advice on how to be a better president.
8. On the basis of decades of terrible experience with the control of the American political system by the two major parties, resolve to have a speech drafted for you to advocate removing all obstacles to third parties, so that they can readily inform the public about their platforms and candidates in future elections, and introduce some real competition in the political system. When you give the speech on TV, remember not to smirk.
9. In the spirit of ending the American culture of corruption and dishonesty, resolve to never, ever tell another lie to the public or anyone in the news media. Then promise your mother that you will never lie again. Remember not to smirk.
10. Because you feel some guilt over all the special favors given you that made you rich, resolve to direct every senior administration official and federal agency to deliver options to you that the federal government can implement to reduce economic inequality that is now devastating working- and middle-class Americans by unfairly channeling most of the nation’s wealth to the richest people. Also publicly promise that after you leave the White House that you will behave like Jimmy Carter and will not try to amass more wealth. And don’t smirk!
By using these ten resolutions I am confident that President Bush can experience a quantum jump in his favorability ratings in national surveys. More important, these define the path by which he can greatly improve his place in history. Instead of being permanently branded as the worst president, he can at least achieve standing as just another mediocre president. Glad I could help. Happy New Year Mr. President.