If you’re single and planning on watching a dvd home alone or with friends to celebrate Valentine’s Day, may I suggest a few movies that are perfect for the occasion? Of course the right Valentine’s Day movie for a single person will depend on that particular single person’s mood, so pick through the list and find a title that will work for you. Personally, I won’t be watching any of these Valentine’s Day movies for single people – but only because February’s when the networks start putting new episodes of all the good shows on. Anyhow, here are some good Valentine’s Day movies for singles.
Bride of Chuckie. This movie will inspire confidence in all the single women who think there aren’t any good men left out there. This movie proves you can, too, find a good (serial killing) male (doll) who’s just out their waiting to (kill) meet you in the dating pool (of blood). Look for a sequel: Chuckie does Match.com
Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2. This is perfect Valentine’s Day movie for single women who have dated and been dumped by a man named Bill. Hilary Clinton might enjoy it, too. (Did I just say that?) This is also a good movie for single men who would like to find a woman like Uma and send her off to visit their ex-girlfriend for some impromptu proxy revenge. Yeah. Good luck with that.
Titanic. The main reason this makes a good Valentine’s Day movie for singles is that it’s mad long, which means if you pop it in, you can pretty much kill all of Valentine’s Day night without having to put in another film. Plus, if you’re in a bad mood, you can revel in the fact Rose’s boyfriend dies. If you’re in a good mood, you can revel in the fact they’re reunited in the end. Of course, “the end” here is death, but, whatever.
An Inconvenient Truth. There’s really no better icon of Valentine’s Day romance than Al “Love Machine” Gore. And for those of you who tend to brood on Valentine’s Day because you’re single, you can enjoy your pity party all the more knowing in 50 years or so, single or coupled, we’re all going to be underwater anyhow thanks to big oil.
South Pacific. Pick your single self up with the haunting voice of Emile de Beque promising you that ‘some enchanted evening’ you’ll find the person of your dreams and, ostensibly, this time, he won’t be married or on parole. Or take the reverse course and replay Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair fifty times while pantomiming along like you’re in a shampoo commercial. Men, feel free to play along. It’s not like your girlfriend will be watching.
Mission Impossible. Sure, this Valentine’s Day selection reminds you that so far finding a mate has been an impossible mission for you. But on the other hand, it reminds you at least you’re not linked til-death-do-you part with someone as obviously stone crazy as Tom Cruise.
In Good Company. This movie will remind you men that there’s more to life than being twenty seven-ish and dating a “hot” college girl. Sure, it may be fun for a while, but eventually you’ll realize real fulfillment won’t reach you if you don’t break up with Scarlet Johansson and go out into the world. No, seriously. And women, this movie will remind you that what cute and nice men like Topher Grace really want is Scarlett Johansson and you will never, ever be as pretty as she is.
Lord of The Rings. There are many reasons you may be single. Choice. Circumstance. You’re not that attractive. Or it may just be that you’re way too into Lord of the Rings. If any part of your home décor features elves or Ian McKellan action figures: I’m talking to you. But you know what, it’s Valentine’s Day; it’s too late to do anything about it this year. So, hook up with the trilogy and enjoy. You freak.
24: Any Season on DVD. I’m not suggesting that you rent this in some “If you think you’re having a bad day, check out what Jack Bauer’s up against” way. I’m suggesting you rent this because, if Valentine’s Day has you hating the world, this series has a lot of good suggestions for ending it: toxic gas, bio-weapons, Bosnian assassins played by Dennis Hopper. You may even dervive some joy picturing the deaths of some of the characters, like the bossy tech support girl or that really annoying daughter. That help? Well, keep watching. The last season is supposed to be the best.
The Little Mermaid. If there’s one thing single people can count on come Valentine’s Day, it’s that the couples you know will ask you to babysit their kids. Make the best of it by sitting said kids down in front of a Disney movie and doing nothing constructive or educational with them at all. And you can never really watch too much of that singing lobster.
Same Time, Next Year. The point of watching this 70s flick about two cheaters who get together every year for a weekend tryst (no, they’re not cowboys…) is to remind yourself that next year, all things being equal, you will probably still be home alone, or, if you do have a partner, there’s a 60% chance he or she will cheat. If Alan Alda cheats, anyone can!
Happy Valentine’s Day, single people, and just remember: there are a lot of people out there worse off than you are. Of course, most of them have significant others to share their troubles with, so, it sort of evens out.