1. Men are not mind readers. Ask for what you want with exactness. Hints of any kind will either not be noticed or misread. Just come out with it.
2. Most men are natural problem solvers. If you actually want help solving a problem, your man will help you get straight to a solution. Call your girlfriends if you are just looking for sympathy or attention.
3. Shopping is your sport, Monday Night Football is his. Let him enjoy his moment of Zen, while you enjoy yours.
4. If you can whine about him not being romantic and suave all the time, he can whine about you not wearing lingerie to bed and your 6 month long “headache”.
5. Men consider crying a form of blackmail, but if it works…
6. If you’ve handed your man a “Honey-Do” list, do not follow with a list of instructions of how to accomplish his tasks. He made it through part of his life without your instruction, believe it or not.
7. When your man asks you a question, a simple answer of “Yes” or “No” will typically suffice.
8. If you have a nightly “headache” that has lasted for six months or more, please make an appointment with a physician and a counselor or sex therapist.
9. When arguing, men like to refer to the present because they know women have a special section reserved in their brains that can store an arsenal of fumbled comments from the past. In the world of men, all comments are inadmissible after 7 days, unless he opens his arsenal first; then you may fire away.
10. Practice putting the toilet seat down. He needs it up, you need it down. If you can whine about it being up, he can whine about it being down.
11. If your BMI is over 25, do not ask your man if you are fat. It’s called entrapment.
12. It is counter-productive to your man’s sense of peace to make you angry. If you have misconstrued a fumbled comment into a “You don’t love me anymore”-fest, you might want to give him a chance to rephrase. Nine times out of ten, he didn’t mean for it to come out in a way that would get him in trouble.
13. Only attempt to carry on a conversation during a Television show if you desire to become irate and start a fight. Otherwise, save comments for during commercials, or for some men, until the power goes out.
14. Noses will be picked, crotches will be scratched, and SBD’s will be launched without warning; frequently. Don’t fight it. No woman ever won this battle.
15. If your man notices your obvious discontent and asks “What’s wrong?” and you answer “Nothing”, expect for him to assume you really meant “nothing”. Otherwise you will have to fume and bang some more cupboard doors for a few more hours until he asks again so you can unload your arsenal of irritations from the last month on him.
16. If you can’t handle the truth, don’t ask for it.
17. Unlike women who speak in metaphors and secret phrases that say one thing but mean another, men actually mean what they say. Try not to read into his comment “That looks fine” to translate to what it means when you say it, “Yeah. I guess I’ll have to make do with that.”
18. Addendum to rule 17: Most of the time men mean what they say. There are the occasions where his comment may reflect a fear of getting in trouble or having to explain everything about the comment. For example,
“Honey, if you don’t want to go to that restaurant, it’s ok. Tell me which one you want to go to.”
“I’m just not in the mood for Chinese. Can we go Italian?”
“Why do you suddenly not like Chinese? Why do you want Italian?”
Case in point: In depth review of the reasons behind comments and choices is something all men prefer to avoid. Let it be.
19. Bargaining is a necessary evil. If he wants you to serve up a tasty tray of goodies while he has the guys over for poker night, you get to have the girls over for drinks and loud conversations about all things female while he plays bartender.
20. He has seen all of your outfits. It is unnecessary to go through each one prior to an outing asking, “What about this one?” Look at what he’s wearing. I’m sure whatever you can find will be fine.
21. Addendum to rule 20: Even though he has seen all of your lingerie, going through each outfit asking, “What about this one?” is no trouble at all. He would love to help you figure out which one you want to wear.