Written By Claudia Gatica
Much can be said about Florida. If you have cold winters, you have probably woke up in a mid-winter-night, with a runny nose and numbed toes; you then wish to be in a warm Island somewhere. If the thought of looking at hot bodies in tiny sexy bikinis all year around, does not make your frozen fingers and shivering body start to defrost, I suggest you check for a pulse. This dream is my reality, almost 365 days of the year! Here in Florida, the hotties love to be gawked at! Truly, they never mind if a dork like me drools all over them, with dreams of being 10 years younger! So, I play the lotto in the off chance to get some money to have plastic surgery, and then I will get their full undivided attention! But, even a delirious word junkie like myself, knows that will never happen! I am sure you can imagine me, sitting on the beach trying to write. The babes with little bikinis, thongs, or Brazilian tankinies run, and stroll down the beach, while others play Volleyball right in my (no pun intended of course) face! It can even bring tears to my eyes, (if I don’t blink for a while) to think back to the good old days in Catholic School. I would try to play tennis, but watching the older girls playing tennis, was so much more educational for me. How can I be expected to concentrate on my own game? Trying to write is futile for me when the hotties are out! What can I say; I am a Hot Blooded Latin Lezzie, in my late 30’s, single and dorky! I can still look and wish upon a star! Sigh…
I said almost 365 days a year, because during the months of November, December, and January our lovely scenery changes drastically. Yes, the sun still shines bright! The rays of light make you want to wake up and run down to the beach, or watch people run down the beach! The smell of the suntan oil still reminds you of the tropics! And yes, the lovely sounds of Calypso Music make you taste the Margaritas! However, like the sound of someone scratching records, or running their finger nails through a chalkboard, the sight changes, come late October! The Hot Young Bodies in Brazilian tankinies are fast replaced by 85 year old men with black socks and flip flops. Wearing no more than hairy backs and chests, with the dreaded ultra mini thong or Speedo swim suits! It is the sight of our lovely male Snow Bird friends!
The atmosphere changes and the 5 o’clock traffic jam is replaced by the all day jam. The suffocating roads with “Sunday Drivers” looking for the early bird specials, or the no longer existing $2 movie theatres with large parking spaces, becomes the topic of our therapy sessions with our shrinks. The sweet sounds of the laughing hotties playing in the water is urgently replaced by; loud conversations about rheumatoid arthritis, hammer toes, new denture paste and my absolute favorite, hemorrhoid creams. I love my grandfather, but if I ever saw him wearing black socks with flip flops, or worse, nothing but a Speedo or a thong, I would die! I know you might think I am being judgmental, but I assure you, I am not alone in this thought. Watching a grandpa kind of dude, in a thong brings goose-bumps to the arms of many! I don’t mean the kind of goose-bumps we get when Angelina Jolie “frenches” someone in a movie. I am talking about the ones you get when you hear someone drop a tomato can on their little toe, and the remanding piece of lose nail that is stuck in their sock, and also gone!
Believe me when I tell you that it gets worse!!! Since I live a few blocks away from the ocean, and the “95th Street-Clothing Optional Beach” I get to walk on the sand and deal with the proud naked 85 year old grandpas. Trying to pick up a semi human looking chick like myself (fully clothed may I add), with old lines like “haven’t I seen you before?” Or my favorite; “gd sent me an Angel!” becomes the theme of the day for them. I try to be polite, smile, and for the love of gd, never, ever, look down when they get close to talk to me. I give them the soft look of “I am shy around naked man!” But that sometimes does not work well. I must then let the Lioness in me, say, “Hey buddy, I am a lesbian!” Unfortunately, for the European, and Canadian men, this seems to be an invitation! In their suave French Accent they tell me how it’s okay to bring my friend with us!
Not all “Snow Birds” are here to pick up un-interested lesbians. Others just want to shop, and are willing to fight you at the store for the last bottle of Bottled water. Pellegrino seems to be the European’s favorite, and if the stores don’t offer it, they tend to say things that end with the word M*rde! Don’t take me wrong, we love our tourist here in Florida! If it was not for tourism, where would Florida be now after that whole voting fiasco in 2000?
I would like to be able to transport myself to another place when winter comes. I mean, I was taught, “When in Rome, do as the Romans!” Why don’t they feel the same way? When I go to another country or state, I assimilate the culture, hang-out with the locals, and try to blend-in with the crowd. I make my best effort to act and to look like one of them, in order to make people more at ease with my presence. Who can forget the famous line in “My Cousin Vinni” when Melissa Tormei tells John Pessi “Oh Yes Babe, You Blend!” I mean, get a hint! No local 85 year old Floridian is out and proud, wearing thongs, or worse, naked walking on the beach picking up lezzies. I do give them credit, because honestly, it takes someone extremely secure to think they can pull that one off. However, it is a change for sure from the local hotties! We do love our Senior Citizens here in Florida, they are truly charming! However, I suggest leaving the thongs or Speedos at home, unless you are Brat Pitt or look like him. Please do not wear socks with your flip flops, unless you are inside your home. And yes, for the sake of all women kind, shave those hairy backs!