If you’re lacking excitement in your life, and you’re a jerk, you probably need me to punch you in the face. Of course, I’m only one face puncher, and I can only speak for myself, so if you’re really in need of some punching, you’ll have to seek me out and try something on this list.
Turn Your Music Up So Loud That The Windows of my House Shake
This is a fantastic way to get me to cause physical harm to your head. Sure, you can’t hear the “music” you claim to love so much, and yeah, if there is a God you’ll be deaf before you’re 30, but think of the satisfaction you’ll get from pissing off everyone within a 3 mile radius of your 94 Dodge Neon that you’ve outfitted with a $3000 Kenwood system with subwoofers the size of large toddlers. Way to abuse free speech, moron.
And please, keep the windows down. It makes the music louder for everyone outside of your car, and it’s a great window for face-punchery. Be sure to stop for a good long time at the traffic light; I’ll be the guy running at you in his underwear screaming obscenities with a boxing glove on.
Speak Only In Pop Culture Cliches And Movie Quotes
Say “that’s just how I roll, man” and “I lay it down like that” all the time. Try to derive as much of your vocabulary as possible from popular films and television programs, particularly those that use “pimp” as a verb. Be sure to reference Napoleon Dynamite every five minutes or so; it’s not enough to see the movie, you’ve really got to enrich other peoples’ lives by giving your own version of quotes from the film whenever an opportunity even comes close to arising. It’s fine if you speak like that, and it’s cool that you’re a walking database of movie dialogue…it’s your style, right? That’s cool. Just know that my style is assaulting the part of the body that contains your eyes and mouth.
Keep One iPod Headphone In Your Ear While Talking to People
This is a great conversation, but man, this is a great song. Why not have the best of both worlds? Why not listen to the new Fallout Boy album with half of your brain while nodding and sipping on a Starbucks drink with a really long name? For additional multitasking, you can devote the front of your face to my hand. Note: I’m only going to slap you for this one, unless you’re also wearing a turtleneck sweater or have a goatee. Or if you’ve got a copy of an Ayn Rand book in your hands.
Pop Your Collar
Maybe when you left the house, there were a lot of mosquitos targeting your neck. Maybe you forgot to put your collar down after tying that tie you’re not wearing. Maybe you’re just not a very bright person. But I can guarantee I’m going to resort to laying fisticuffs upon your facial region.
Punch Me in the Face
I can’t believe you just punched me in the face! Now I’m returning the favor. Do you see how instant karma works? Oh, yeah, you may be a lot bigger than me. You might beat me to a bloody pulp. But before you can, you’re getting at least one good fist-caused injury to the area above your neck. Probably only one. I haven’t worked out in a few years, and I have the upper body strength of a ten year old girl. That’s okay, though; it’s the principal of the face punching that will keep me trying. Want to know why? Because that’s just how I roll, man.