I have learned – the hard way – to never buy property that fronts any type of busy roadway. I have a postage stamp-sized ranchette on two acres in south central Kentucky. One hundred yards of my diminutive domain is situated on a busy state highway in a very rural and small township adjacent to a four-way stop and two country stores.
The few months spent in modeling school in south Florida did not adequately prepare me for the pro bono theatrics that I unwittingly provide the community. I have been considering purchasing a lighted marquee to place in the yard so that all passers-by, blatant rubber necks, and/or just nicely curious drivers can know what to expect. However, any successful production must have synopses of impending presentations. Following are some trailers that I may advertise on a marquee and/or brochure for the viewing pleasure of all passers by. I am hoping for multiple seasons, but it may not make it as many years as some television sitcoms.
For brevity, I shall abbreviate myself (the star of the show) as “MAW” – Middle Aged Woman.
• “The Auction Oops!” – MAW chases three-legged nanny goat without success! Goat – 1; MAW – 0.
• “The Grain Grabbers” – MAW goes head-to-head as she handles and feeds horses that do not get enough human contact! Don’t miss this thrilling in-the-mud action! Rated R for strong language and contorted body positions.
• “The Chicken Dance” – MAW appears to look graceful and coordinated in this ballet with multiple poultry around her feet. Occasional squawks are emitted throughout whenever MAW makes a misstep or actually falls over a duck.
• “The Horse Chaser” – Slow your vehicle as MAW chases escapee equine down middle of roadway. Rated R for strong language.
• “Food Chain Intervention” – Infuriated MAW and 410 shotgun VS. Neighbor’s predatory, vicious, poultry-annihilating dogs on Christmas Day! MAW – 2; Dogs – 1; Rated R for violence.
• “The Sleeper” – MAW walks to mailbox in granny flannel nightgown. Rated PG-13.
• “Where the Green Grass Grows” – Enjoy your auto air conditioning while sweating, slightly overweight MAW tugs and pulls on her push mower to briefly tame impending grass and weeds. Be sure not to miss MAW tugging her guts out trying to restart mower with pull-cord whenever engine quits.
• “The Flat Cat” – Watch MAW dodge speeding traffic while trying to remove carcass of her fourth flattened feline! Tear-jerking drama might alarm young children.
• “Cut it Out!” – MAW uses slightly dysfunctional riding mower on embankments and rough ground, occasionally dulling blade with yet another rock or impediment! (This one comes without sound due to adult content of language usage.)
• “Water Baby” – Feel artificial empathy for MAW as she totes a five gallon bucket of water across the field in 90 degree weather!
• “The Bad Cook” – Watch for shock and amazement on MAW’s face as she realizes that she has set her horses’ round hay bale on fire! Adrenaline-charged, hose-dragging action guaranteed!
• “Waist Bends” – Sunday evenings only. MAW muscles bags of repulsive garbage to curb for pick up Monday morning. (If varmints are out and hungry Sunday night, one may view MAW gathering scattered garbage-even sanitary products – that have been strewn throughout the yard.)
• “Field of Greens” – One of my favorites: MAW challenges gravitational pull vs. aging back and muscles as she transports 16′ steel gates across field. Excitement escalates as MAW attempts to secure them without allowing escape of stubborn miniature horses, or without smashing fingers! (Rated R for strong language and occasional bloody body parts.)
• “Haste Makes Waste!” A popular episode wherein MAW gets horse trailer stuck in driveway ditch; amusement and thoughts of “Crazy Woman Driver!” are conveyed on the faces of passing rubber-necks.
All this and more may be viewed on Channel Hwy. 76 in Knifley, KY. Syndicated re-runs may be repeated without prior notice. All incidents represented herein are factual and based on actual events; similarities or references to other individuals are strictly unintentional.