Residents of Washington D.C. were treated yesterday to the final performance of conservative pundit Ann Coulter, as a group a vicious, rabid jackals tore the equally viscous and rabid blond limb from limb in the streets of our nation’s capitol. The animals were in transport to the National Zoo, but escaped when a drunk driver rammed the transport, breaking open the secured doors of the truck.
“We were afraid they would all go in different directions,” said Robert, “Bob” Binder, the Zoo keeper in charge of the transport, “but they ran straight for that blond woman. I guess she must have had blood on her somewhere.”
Miss Coulter emerged from the CNN building on Pennsylvania Avenue, with the fresh veins of liberals and Muslims squishing softly between her pointy teeth. According to witnesses, as she began to answer a cell phone call, the jackals, native to Africa, lunged on her from all sides, throwing her back on the pavement several feet.
Charlie Berg, a resident of California visiting the capitol, was on hand to witness the gruesome horror. “At first I wanted to help her,” said Charlie, but I realized that it was Anne Coulter when she started calling the dogs “fagots.” And I just said, you know what girlfriend, you are on your own! My dog mace is for people who are sensitive to my community.”
Vickie Baptim, a secretary in a local office, was also at the scene. “We were all going out to lunch, the other office girls and me, when these dogs just flew through the air and clobbered that woman. Lucy wanted to call 911, but the Sally said that the crazy (expletive) was for taking away women’s right to vote. Can you believe that? So anyway we argued about it for a while and finally decided to just keep going.”
Although some thirty people were within easy reach of Miss Coulter, no one offered any assistance. The shocked crowd mostly milled and backed away, according to Leslie Poing, environmental activist and counselor at the local rape crisis center. “Everyone knew who she was.” Said Leslie, “Occasionally someone would shout out “help that woman,” and then someone else would shout back, “that’s Ann Coulter.” Then the crowd would go silent for a while. Did you know she said that God wants us to rape the environment? Who would say something like that?”
Even party loyalty couldn’t save the conservative gender-role smashing vixen. Also at the scene was Mary, as she prefers to be called, a personal assistant to a noteworthy Republican Senator and lifetime party enthusiast. According to Mary, “We’ve always taken what help Ann could give us, but we decided a long time ago that if it came to a crux, she would have to go down on her own. Saving her life would be a surefire sign of Republican approval for Ms. Coulter and her opinions. We can’t risk that.”
In the end, Ann’s body was mostly obliterated. During her final violent rampage, she was heard calling the dogs, “commies,’ “pinko-liberals” and “fagots.” At one point a bystander heard her proclaim, “Stop it I’m one of you” But the savage animals, engulfed by primal blood-lust, ignored her final plea. When Animal Control officials arrived forty five minutes later they found the dogs gnawing on bones and laying blissfully on the D.C. sidewalk.
“The animals were docile after a full meal,” said Animal Control representative Luke Peto, “We just rounded them up and put them in the truck.” As the jackals were escorted back to their zoo home, the crowd spontaneously started clapping. “I thought they were clapping for me,” says Peto, “But I couldn’t understand it because I didn’t save anybody. Then someone told me it was Ann Coulter that they ate. We’re treating those jackals very well now.”