Every one of us has considered the decrees and laws that would be implemented if he or she were made ultimate Ruler of the World. I, too, have a list. First of all, let us not consider the obvious: world peace, the elimination of illiteracy, the absence of disease and hunger. I will take care of those matters upon ascending the throne; it is some of the other matters that will be addressed first.
First, any construction site must have a sign placed on the property, clearly visible from the adjacent highway, that states the nature of the building under construction and the future tenants of the building. There is little more frustrating when one is driving past land clearing or the start of construction when it cannot be discerned if the new building will be a fast-food franchise (and, if so, will it be Burger King, Wendy’s or McDonalds; will it have fish, roast beef?), a formal restaurant, a bank, a nail emporium run by Vietnamese or Koreans, a cleaner?
Second, commercials on sports events and television drama should be coordinated so that when one switches channels, at the start of a commercial, to “check a score” or “see what’s going on”, he or she should not be confronted with another commercial.
There are certain people who will have their activities curtailed. In the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Mikado, Ko-Ko the chief executioner explained,
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!
I, too, have a list. Persons who speed up when a merge is ahead so as to get ahead of everyone else, would have a gizmo installed on their vehicles that limit speeds to 10 miles per hour and, thereby, keep them off expressways.
Next, all persons in a supermarket who enter an “express” lane with three full baskets of merchandise. They should be required to wait until everyone else in the store has checked out, even if that’s at evening closing. Speaking of supermarket etiquette, why will some women wait until the final charge is made and the total displayed, before starting to open their voluminous purses to search for a wallet or checkbook. What were they waiting for? Did they not expect to pay? Why not have everything ready? Put them with the express-lane violators and make them wait.
Third, I will do something about people who play radios and stereos in vehicles at a volume that makes the earth and adjacent cars shake with the vibration. These inconsiderate oafs will have their radios programmed to play only Cole Porter, Gershwin, Sinatra and Benny Goodman. If I must be subjected to music from other cars, let it at least be good stuff.
All political advertisements should contain a clear and unambiguous statement of something that the opposing candidate has done well and for which he or she is entitled to praise. No fair stating that the only thing the opposing candidate has done well is to fail to show up in the legislature so as to not commit other dastardly acts! (Believe it or not, one Florida candidate’s advertisement took exactly this position.) The penalty for this would be to only permit advertising stating “I really am not qualified for any elected position, but I really need the money. If I am elected, my mother will be so very proud.”
Commentators on television would not be allowed to “talk over” or interrupt the statements of any other participant on the program. The penalty would be the writing of a statement explaining that the speaker had forgotten the principles learned in nursery school: wait your turn. In lieu of the written statement could be an immediate apology to those interrupted and an explicit statement that the speaker’s mother did teach him or her better.
People who speak on their cell phone in the presence of other people should have service permanently disconnected. If it is at a movie or play, the offender should simply be shot. One less radical solution to this annoyance would be for others in the vicinity to ask the speaker to clarify some remark he or she made on the telephone. (“Did he really say that?” “What did she say then?” “Are you really pregnant” “Do you have any idea of the identity of the father?”)
Sometime in the early morning of October 8th, several years ago, the planets Mars, Venus and Mercury came onto a strange alignment, the moon jiggled in its orbit around the earth and a rare magnetic force engulfed the world. How else can one explain how, almost simultaneously, many men and boys throughout the United States awoke and decided to dress stupid. The all turned their baseball-type hats around so that the design on the cap was in the rear along with the bill of the hat! (Some rock Performers turned their hats sideways effecting the look of stupid and just weird.) This is more than a manifested case of adolescents wearing clothes and clothing styles for the sole purpose of driving parents crazy. Men with hats askew and all men who wear caps indoors will have their hats confiscated and used as land fill.
Finally, there are those male dancers and other performers who, during their gyrations, continually grab their crotches and, as we used to call it, “privates”. Since these men and boys have not learned that such fondling is to be done in private, then either hand or “privates” are to be forfeited. A similar case could be made about those drivers who repeatedly give a salute with third finger extended. They obviously have no real need for that finger and its removal would increase the level of civility.
Although I will, by nature as Ultimate Ruler, be omnipotent and omniscient, I will accept suggestions as to corrections to be made during the first couple of weeks as Ruler. As that very wise Ko-Ko said, adding classes of offenders is not that difficult,
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ’em be missed – they’d none of ’em be missed!”
So, here is the invitation. Who would you add?