Well, another year and come and gone and my opportunity to enter into marital bliss has also faded. Why is this? Why is it that I so love someone that I want to share my life with him and then, when the nuptials are upon me, I simply become frightened? It was this time last year that I became frightened. Only to try again about six weeks later, and failed… again. And now, in November of 2006, I’ve failed him and myself for a third time. Same guy, but three strikes now and I think I’m out. What is this emotional panic that I have when the wedding day is upon me and I turn and run? Why would this man, after two prior “left at the alters”, decide to try a third time? Because he loves me? So, what is MY problem?
As a single mother of two teenage boys, I am often struggling to manage my own sanity let alone theirs. In addition to the emotional well-being of my children, I have a large family that I spend a great deal of time with. I also continue to attend school and try to work, manage finances and take care of a home. This, I do alone. I have no one offering financial support. No child support coming in. No one to assist with home repairs. This is it. It is me, alone.
In addition to the physical element of being single over the past 11 years, I must also say that I have taken great pride in the emotional outcome of my boys. Living a respectable life, I have tried to instill values in my teenage boys that will carry them into adulthood. One such matter, co-habitation. While I don’t believe people shouldn’t co-habitate, I do not want my boys to believe this is an acceptable way of living as a primary lifestyle choice. As a result, I have gone so far as to not even allow a man to spend the evening in my house while my boys are present. In my mind, for some strange reason, I feel it is important that these young men I am raising understand that it is not respectable to co-habitate with a woman without being married. I want them to find a woman who will make them happy, marry and have fulfilling lives.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not living in a fantasy world. While I understand the statistics are relatively certain that they will be involved in sexual contact before marriage and will, most likely, co-habitate before marriage, it is important to me that I continue to instill those values and live by example. However, in doing so, have I deprived myself of finding companionship? Am I now too set in my ways to allow another person in?
When I began dating my fiance, many years ago, it was an off again-on again relationship. Primarily because I chose to keep my home and my children a priority and to exclude him from this part of my life. I truly believed that as soon as I allowed my focus to be placed on someone else, I would lose control of my kids and that simply was not a risk I was willing to take. But, through the years, this man continued to take me out on dates and respect my values in terms of being in my home when my boys were present. As the boys are now grown, he felt it may be time to try marriage. Understanding his logic was that the boys were now old enough to handle the emotional addition of a new man to the home, I accepted his proposal of marriage.
And now, one year later, after many years of dating this man, I have lost him. Through one year, I have attempted to say “I do” on three separate ocassions and, all three times, left this dear man standing at the alter without me.
I guess my theory on life and love may not be beneficial to anyone?