WASHINGTON – Last Tuesday, the 6th Circuit ruled that President Bush may not appoint his daughter Jenna to succeed him after his term is over. “The United States is not a hereditary monarchy, elections may not be canceled, Bush does not sit on a throne (except when he is in the bathroom), and somebody was not paying attention to his third grade civics lessons,” wrote Judge Ima Fedup for the unanimous court.
“Those judges in their ivory towers don’t understand the way the world really works,” an exasperated President Bush told the press in a Rose Garden briefing. “We’re at war,” he said. “War! You can’t change horses in the middle of a streambath – um, I mean a steamer – and you can’t change ruling families in the middle of a war. We must stay the course! Or else the terrorists will have won.”
“The White House strongly disagrees with the decision of the 6th Circuit,” Tony Snow said in a press gaggle the next morning, held in the temporary press room at the back of a Pennsylvania Avenue Denny’s. “They’re not a very good Circuit. If they were any good, they would have gotten ahead in the world and become the 1st Circuit. Even the 2nd Circuit is ok. They’re number 2, so they try harder. If you’re the 2nd Circuit, you have a good shot at becoming the 1st Circuit some day, if the 1st Circuit falls asleep at the wheel. But the sixth circuit? C’mon. What a bunch of losers.”
“What about the Constitution?” Helen Thomas asked.
Tony Snow rolled his eyes. “Why is it that you liberals always forget about 9/11?”
“Huh?” Thomas asked. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“You already asked a question, which I answered. Give someone else a chance,” Snow said.
Dudley Do-Right, from the Moonie Over Miami Times, stood up. “What kind of a crown will Jenna wear when she becomes Queen of the United States?”
“Great question,” Snow said. “She likes a simple tiara, with a row of alternating diamonds and emeralds along the base. Next? Ok, you in the back, from the New York Traitor Times. Oh, please, no need to get upset, that was just a joke. Go ahead with your question. What? I can’t hear you. Oh, the Constitution again.”
Snow took a moment to enjoy a forkful of eggs from his breakfast special. “It’s simple,” he said. The Constitution says, ‘The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America.’ Everyone knows that an executive is a big important person. So an executive power is a big important power. And the Constitution says that big important power is vested in the President.
“And where,” he asked, waving his arms triumphantly, “is a vest worn?” He paused, looking around the room at the blank faces. “A vest is worn right next to the heart! You see? The power of the President comes from the heart beneath his vest! And the President’s heart is telling him that his daughter, his very own flesh and blood, would make a better leader of our glorious country than some random stranger he doesn’t even know. Every parent can understand that!”
“Um, isn’t Jenna too young to lead the country?” asked a tired-looking reporter from the We-Can-Beat-The-Internet Post. “Doesn’t the Constitution say the President must be at least thirty-five years old?”
“She’s a twin,” Snow said. “That means you can double her age. Any more questions? No? Good. Enjoy your breakfasts.”