Dating can be a sticky situation, especially if you are a woman who has passed the 40 year age mark. When you have reached this stage of life, time is a lot more valuable to you and you are less willing to put up with anything …or anyone …that wastes that time.
I was 40ish when I finally got married and still have a majority of female friends who have either never been married or have been divorced for awhile, so I know the frustrations and pitfalls connected with looking for love in “middle age.” While it is politically correct to assign the reason for being single at so late an age to career and female independence, the truth of the matter is that many women of our generation have just not found the right man.
Before I was blessed to wed my wonderful hubby, I had been through a series of bad, bizarre and downright confusing relationships, some of which left me with wounds it took years to recover from. In speaking with my friends, their experiences have been similar and they are starting to wonder whether it’s even worth their bother to stay in the dating game anymore.
After talking at length with my single girlfriends, age 40+ and reviewing my own past experiences, I have, therefore,come up with 8 categories of men that you may want to avoid.
The Piner is a guy whose conversations are continually laced with references to his former girlfriend, former or deceased spouse or unrequited love object. He always talks about what she said or did or compares something you cooked or ate or wore to what she did. If they idealized her, you will never be able to match the perfect image they have of her. If they hated her, you will always find yourself having to work extra hard to “prove” you are not like her at all.
I went out with a man who kept bringing up the topic of a female he had liked, but who had shown no interest in him, despite several attempts on his part to change her mind. When I invited him over for a homecooked meal, on the hopes my culinary gifts would turn the tide, he asked if he could invite the other woman.
Needless to say, that was the end of that one for me and, if you find yourself in anything similar, stop while you’re ahead.
There are some men who assume that, because you are of a certain age, you are happy for any male company you can get. They don’t think it’s necessary for them to be interesting or articulate or have anything in common with you, just be a warm body that occasionally utters a few words.
Hey, when you are a woman over 40, a man’s personality is that much more important. You do not want to end up with a Bore.
To give you an example, I went out a few times with a guy I admit I tried to make myself like, because hee was tall, had a decent, responsible job and polite and because so many people were telling me that I should like him.
When we went out for the first time, he actually talked for an entire hour on citywide sewer issues. His other topics of discussion were equally as dreary and when, on our third date, I fell asleep during his monologue, he did not call again. Lucky me!
Don’t spend precious time on somebody who bores you stiff!
There are men, no matter how old they get, who have decided that they are God’s gift to the female population. I know of men who especially believe that they are a hot commodity to women over 40, since they wrongly assume that we are all so desperate for attention that we will accept anybody with a tired line. Sure, they generally dress well, bring flowers and other expensive trinkets, know all the slick things to say to massage our feminine ego.
Take, for instance, a good friend of mine, age 47. She is an attractive, gifted educator, active in her community and church. In fact, it was a fellow church member who introduced her brother to my friend. He lived out of town, but was frequently in the area on business. He called her continuously, e-mailed her several times a day and when he was in town, took her out and treated her like a queen. On the few times she visited his town, he picked her up at odd hours and took her to little out-of-the-way places, which should have been a warning signal. For five years, however, this went on, until she told him to either make a commitment or leave her alone. He told her he was going to marry her, to make plans for a Christmas wedding where she lived. However, he died of an unexpected heart attack during Thanksgiving and she discovered that he had lied to her about being divorced and that he may, in fact, have had other females besides just her on the side.
No need to become yet another name on his list. When in doubt about a man’s marital status, do an online background check. It may cost a little money, but it’s better than getting burned by a Player.
While the Player tries to charm his way into your life, the Grabber doesn’t even go through the pretense. He expects that you are immediately going to “give up the goods” right away. Such men figure that single middle-aged women are sexually needy and, therefore, anxious to fall into bed with them.
From the moment they first greet you, they want to get way too familiar with your body parts than they have a right to. They don’t feel the need for an invitation, since they appear to think you are in a perpetual state of “hot readiness.”
One person I know of was told by her date, when she protested his hands going haywire, “I don’t see what the complaint is, since you obviously ain’t had any action for awhile, right?”
Pepper spray and a pocketknife in your purse can be your best friends when confronted with Grabbers. Once you escape their clutches, count yourslef blessed and threaten to call the cops on them if they ever call or come near you again.
Every women has probably come in contact with a Narcissist at some point in her dating life. You know the type. He spends his time talking about himself, his life, his accomplishments or telling you about all the praise he has gotten from other people.
Seldom does he ever ask you about your life or seem to care, for that matter. His world revolves around himself and he will expect your world to revolve around him, as well. His only requirement of you si that you join in worshipping him.
I remember a guy who actually spent our time together showing me photographs of himself in a variety of poses, like the kinds male models in Sears’ catalogs do, as he droned on and on about just how highly he was thought of by others. It did not take long to know that things were not going to work out here.
Unless you are turned on by someone who is arrogant and self-absorbed, make your first date with a Narcissist your last one with him.
There are, unfortunately, a lot of men out there who are not wrapped tight mentally speaking.
You ought to be able to find out within the first 2 or 3 dates if a man is “a little off.” Or you could be like I was and end up sacrificing years before the reality sets in that he is certifiably nutzoid. A well-intentioned married couple at the church I once attended fixed me up with a man they thought would be just right for me, since we both were musically-inclined and in the same age range. He was very good looking, as a matter of fact, and had a beautiful, romantic singing voice and I thought this was the fella of my dreams. I did not listen when an older relative of mine I introduced him to took me aside and said, “There is something not quite right with that child.” Needless to say, after some hurtful, abusive treatment at his hands for quite some time, I finally realized our disconnecting was a good thing.
If he walks like a Whacko, talks like a Whacko and acts like a Whacko, he probably is.
THE LITTE BOY IN A GROWN MAN’s BODY
i will never forget when I allowed myself to be talked into going out with the cousin of a college pal of mine. She said he was tall, intelligent, had a good job and was a “nice, church goin’ man.”
What she did not inform me of was the fact that he was 45 years old and still lived at home with his parents in a “converted garage.” He had, in fact, never lived away from his parents’ house. He claimed that he was looking for the right woman and going to inherit his folks’ house and goods some day, but I was pretty sure there were not going to be many ladies willing to marry a man to spend the rest of their lives in a garage, waiting for his parents to die..
Liking a man with a boyish air is one thing. Liking a man who is still a boy psychologically is another.
I have nothing against fast food restaurants and, on occasion, they are okay, but if a man is always taking you out to eat at places where there are drive-thru windows or to the types of eating establishments where he presents a 2-Meals-for-the-Price-of-One coupon, this is a clear indication that you are dealing with a Cheapskate.
I don’t think that every time you go out, ” big money” has to be spent, but when your dates are always at free places, like the city park or his sister’s house and you only go to nicer places when you offer to pay, I would give some second thoughts before plodding further into this relationship.
I knew a woman whose fiancé was like this and, after their marriage, he was so tyrannical in terms of every penny she spent for every little thing that things were miserable for her.
Being frugal is a wise thing, in today’s world, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I am referring to the kind of guy who logs down every cent he spends and who is so paranoid about money that he is miserly to a fault.
You did not work hard for all these years to end up with a male who is going to be dictatorial over everything you spend. Beware of Cheapsakes!
IN CONCLUSION …
We all know that there are no guarantees in any man/woman relationship, but you will get a lot better odds by avoiding the types of guys you know will take you on the road to nowhere.
Try this elimination process and see if it doesn’t improve things for you a bit.