I am a product of two decades of Catholic school. Grammar school. High School. College. Even law school. And I’m an atheist. Here are five reasons not to send your children to Catholic School.
Reason #1. From the time I hit third grade, I was told I was going to Hell. I remember raising my hand in Religion class and asking the priest, “Father, if I go to Confession and I’m absolved of my sins, how long does that absolution last? I mean, if I step outside the Church and into the street, and see a car about to hit me, and say a curse word like ‘Shit’ just before it strikes me and I die, am I going to Hell?” The priest gave my question little thought before answering with an emphatic “Yes.”
Reason #2. Speaking of Religion class, what did it replace? Geography. After grammar school, I could recite for you verbatim Jesus’ sermon on the mount, but I couldn’t find Canada on a map if my life depended on it. And later in life, when you’re the driver on a road trip to Montreal with your buddies, they could care less about the teachings of JC, especially when they’re looking out the window, wondering why the hell you’re traveling south.
Reason #3. And Religion class in Catholic school is, of course, about only one religion, Catholicism. Talk about breeding intolerance. Well, it doesn’t take an advanced degree in logic to understand that if Confession is the only way to absolve your sins, and absolution of your sins is the only way to get into Heaven, well then anyone who doesn’t go to Confession must be heading straight for Hell. Try explaining that to the six foot Jew on your pee-wee hockey team. Logic is, you’ll walk away with at least one black eye.
Reason #4. Once you reach higher education in Catholic institutions, the self-righteousness hits hard. A lot of bullshit rules for bullshit reasons. “No members of the opposite sex in your dorm room after ten p.m.” Because everyone knows sexual intercourse between a man and a woman can only take place after 10:01.
Reason #5. And the kicker of it is, you are actually paying for this. If you are a parent, considering sending your child to Catholic school, consider this. If my mother had saved every nickel she spent on Catholic school and given it to me as a gift at my high school or college graduation, I would have been very pleased. Instead, I’ll be paying off student loans for the next thirty years of my life. And that makes me want to curse my goddamn head off. Luckily, after twenty years of Catholic school, I’m an atheist. Or else I’d be going to Hell.