An abusive parent will always be abusive. The adult child may never know the true cause of the disturbing behavior inflicted so hideously upon them. Isolation, as does the title of loner, follows the youth through adolescence. They don’t excel in school they fail. Showing up tardy and skipping class is a way they can hide from students who don’t view them as friend, but as nothings. The loners want to be liked. Though not for lack of trying to initiate friendships, but from the rejections of all social classes that set them apart as an indifferent nobody. Years of abusive torment from a parent or both parents have succeeded in altering the developing personality of one child.
Perhaps it was the constant taunting of “You’re stupid!” or “Nobody cares!” The constant put-downs, the slaps, the beatings, the bruises, the black eyes, they all take their toll. As worn down as a child or adolescent youth becomes it is wondered, if no one heard their cries for help or saw them pleading for mercy why didn’t they seek help on their own? Abusive parents have thought of ways to keep the abused from doing this. “Go ahead. Call the police. They’ll put you in jail or an institution.” The cynical parents will scare the child into thinking they are the ones the law will find at fault. Familiarity and displacement more than embarrassment will keep a child from breaking away from a hostile environment.
Abusive parents seem to show signs of mental or personality disorders although the symptoms may be infused into a mix of various types. A diagnosis then could be extremely difficult to make. The parent, for instance, is inflexible on allowing the child to do anything another way other then their own. Thus simple tasks become complicated, example, when clearing the table start from the right side and work around. If the table is cleared starting from the left side around, criticism and disapproval will be shown. The parent may feel they are the only one who can do a particular thing the right way such as taking out the garbage, complaining and belittling the child if they try. This is a behavior pattern of an Obsessive Compulsive Personality.
A Passive Aggressive Personality will gripe, pout and argue about what they feel is an inconvenience put upon them. An example would be asking a question in the middle of a television show they are watching such as “Would you like some tea?” or the phone or doorbell rings and they are asked “If they could get that?” Mood disorders such as Bipolar, Cyclothymia, Manic, Hypomanic, and Major Depressive are other mixes that can cause irritability.
Abusive parents who truly want to change can try family counseling sessions with their child or children. Local family service chapters usually offer free counseling from volunteers. As with alcohol, parents who abuse must first admit they have a problem. In most cases this isn’t going to happen because the parent feels they aren’t in the wrong and have a right to do whatever they want to with their kids, raise them in any way they see fit. In many situations the Grandparents know what is going on, but they choose not to get involved. Sometimes it was the Grandparents who started the vicious abuse their grandchildren endure by way of their child rearing tactics.
Grown children can expect nothing more from their abuser. Although once the child is old enough to fight back physically, as long as the abuser can get the upper hand or the child is scared of hurting the parent, the occasional beating will still take place. Carrying over past high school graduation if the young adult is still living under the parent’s roof.
Emotional abuse or put-downs remain the objective goal of an abusive parent well after a child has reached adulthood and moved. Returning visits to see them can leave the adult child emotionally drained.
If you never got the encouragement, recognition, or praise sought after from such an upbringing don’t expect abusive parents to ever give you any. Negativity is their high point. Find strength inside yourself to let go and focus on who you want to become.