It began like any other night – that is until a friend said the word “tofu” in an e-mail. I read tofu and thought “is that kung fu with the toe?” and I got a Kung Fu quote on my random quote generator for the e-mail. Yes, I know what tofu is – another word for ewwww!
What’s with those vegetarians foods out now…vegetarian burgers I heard of but now I see vegetarian steak, hot dogs, chicken wings, sausage, crab, ribs, beef, fish, bacon, lamb, shrimp, eggs, etc. And what the heck are lobster sticks?? Lobster on a stick? (Image #2)
I got this info at vegecyber.com (I won’t describe the hideous visuals that address gave me!) The ingredients of lobster-on-a-stick: Curdlant from starch, yam flour, starch, oil dressing, paprika, water, sugar, vegetable seasoning. YUMMY!
Weight: 1.32 lb. Price: $8.50. That’s almost as high as real lobster! It’s fake, it should be cheaper! You don’t pay full or 90% for a fake Rolex watch, mink coat or faux pearls, why for lobster-on-a-stick??
There are two things WRONG with fake meat.
First, why not just call it what it is? Regurgitated vegetable patties! Not to mention the illiterates will just look at the pictures and think those really are chicken wings! On the upside, the rednecks will be healthier!
Second, why tempt people to eat meat? It seems like bad advertising to lure vegetarians back to meat! “Oh, eat our product; it’s just like the real thing! Juicy, tender, meaty goodness! Remember when you ate meat? Remember how good it tasted? Ours is just like that but ours is made from smashed vegetables (some which no man has heard of or eaten before!), shaped, dyed, flavored. Mmmm mmmm good!” It’s an accident just waiting to happen. One day all the weight watcher people will crack and stampede us in the meat section! You just wait and see! I just thought about “The Stand”, where the big, tall guy yells “Bring out your dead!” Well, imagine the weight watcher people hogging up and eating all of the meat at the markets. They’d be going door to door, yelling “Bring out your meat!” Think clean, people!
Did someone say health kick? If anyone says Atkin’s or low-carbs, I’ll die!
Another thing I can’t stand is Jared, the Anti-Christ, who is an icon of Subway for years now! I just can’t stand him chomping away at his sandwich while people say, “Oh wow, it’s Jared! Please sign my sandwich wrapper! You’re a fast food God!” People, he only ate sandwiches! Who cares? And Subway has a “Friends of Jared” club! How embarrassing! “I’ve no name; just call me a Friend of Jared. One day I aspire to be just like Jared and make sandwiches that change the world as we know it!”
Look at the picture of Jared (Image #1) and tell me he isn’t evil. Look at his beady little eyes.
What’s with the gloves, Jared? Admit it, you put the secret brainwashing drug into the sandwich and you wear gloves so you don’t get affected. Admit it, you plan world domination through sandwiches! People, avoid Jared at all cost, unless you want to look, walk, and talk like Jared! You’ve been warned!
One last note. Many people say that it’s not as much fun to cook just for yourself? The hell you say! If I cook it and it tastes good, it’s MINE! At my house, it’s survival of the one who gets to it first! So, it’s better to cook stuff which no one but I like!
I leave you with a highly-enlightening, almost Zen-level quote to think about: Motel Hell, Vincent: “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.”