I was feeling better. I could look at the newspapers in the grocery store checkout lanes again. I could even turn on the news for five or six minutes.
Hillary Clinton is going to ruin all of that very soon. I’m terrified; no, horrified; no, mortified of a long, and certainly loud presidential race royale between Hillary and whatever vile creature the republicans can dredge from the depth of the bottomless burning pit.
You see, I am not afraid of the notion of Hillary, or any woman becoming president. To be frank, (don’t call me Frank,) I would be overjoyed to live in a Matri-presidential Nation. I am afraid that she will loose.
Call me a sellout or a non-believer or a wuss, but I’ve been to casinos before, and I’ve seen what happens when some poor shmuck, I mean me, puts all his money on one big long shot because his chips are down. Let’s just say I’ve never stopped for dinner on my way home from the casino.
Let me begin again. When Dubby-Doo was elected to his first term, I, like the rest of my Democrat compatriots in our fair country, passed complacently into the fog of oppositional control. The recent election had been lackluster, and in the end, disheartening.
Who could have guessed then what kind of nut-job we were giving the wheel to, and who could believe now that we once called Bush and Gore, “Gush and Bore”, the identical idiots. One meaningless terrorist attack, one pointless war, and one economic collapse later, we found ourselves on our knees, like repentant Catholics, flogging our backs with our own self rage and guilt.
Did we do enough? I voted. Did I need to do more? Where did all these Christians suddenly come from? How the hell did this happen?
Four years later I emerged from my prison of self torment to spy a ray of hope for our future on this planet, Earth. A man named John Kerry, although hideous, disfigured, and as exciting as laundry, promised us a return to our party’s rule.
Yes, rule. You see, while I believe that personal biases cloud objectivity in all circumstances, and therefore make it impossible to objectively ascertain the validity of your own notions over that of an opposing view, I also believe that Republicans are bad people.
If the past five, no six… (Oh god, six) years have taught me anything about our opponents, our blood nemeses, it is that they are the most cunning weasel-faced liars on the planet. They have embraced the spin into their heart of hearts. Their blood now spins with spun, and all their words come out coiled.
However, what their true motivations behind that fabulous eagle feather curtain are is anyone’s guess. They talk directly to the dumb half of the country. And they look at us, the smart ones, and grin as they do it. So that we’ll know that they know that we know, and that they don’t give a flying duck because there’s not a thing we can do about it.
Believe me, I don’t worship the ground that the Democratic Party walks on. As a matter of fact, I think they’re a bunch of whiney, ineffectual lightweights, for instance, that old wound we like to call John Kerry.
John Kerry broke my heart in a way I cannot possibly describe. I try not to blame him. He ran the best campaign that he could, and I’m sure he gave it his all. But I do blame him. I blame him for absolutely everything that has gone wrong since the election and everything that is going to go wrong until Dubby-Dubby-Doo-Daaa slips quietly into his blessed retirement.
Now we come back to the beginning of our session, with our ever looming Presidential showdown. In six months the news will be jabbering, and in less than a year the full scale assault will begin. I will tell you now that if Hillary is our pony for this race, I will spend the duration hiding under my sofa with a flashlight.
I don’t think I’ll be able to take it. Gambling scares the crap out of me. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe this is the time to go for the triple-whammy; Democrat, female, and a Clinton. But my fear and possibly my more prudent nature; (No, it’s just the fear) tell me that this is a bad, bad idea.
Can’t we go for the easy win? I feel strange about saying this, but don’t the Democrats have any decent white men left? The country is ready to boot the Republicans from their perch. It’s already happened in the Senate, and now the Presidency seems like an obvious next step.
Having a woman as president is a necessary goal, as is a non-white president, but can’t we save that for a side bet? Do we have to tie this in right now? Shouldn’t we solve the immediate problem of say, our crumbling economy and defunct world image first? Shouldn’t we crawl before we walk on water?
We live in a country of fairness and racial harmony. Or at least that’s what they keep telling me. Maybe it is moving further in that direction, but I have met enough people in my travels and exploits to know that for every enlightened soul in our nation, there is a bigot to cancel out his vote. I suppose I just don’t trust the true feeling of the American public.
The situation is made infinitely more complex and worse in general by the character involved. Perhaps Hillary is the only woman who could pull this off. Her experiences, her time in the public eye, give her a lot of instant supporters. Unfortunately she is already a walking, breathing cliché to misogynist sensibilities, and the butt of several thousand emasculation jokes.
There are just so many reasons not to run Hillary. We have so much to loose. If we Democrats can’t pull our collective heads out of our collective keesters and bring the pendulum back to our end for just one tick, then we might as well just give it up and take to drinking.
I feel as though I am a helpless audience member on a twisted game show. I am dressed as a filibuster, and armed only with a home made sign reading, “EASY MONEY!” Everyone is yelling and no one can hear me.
To our horror, this maddening game show is real, or as real as a disconnected, purely observational relationship with American politics can be.
You can have it. I’ll be hiding. Good luck Hillary, but if you fail, it will all be your fault.