Jennifer Strange was a mild mannered woman with a husband, two sons and a daughter and who wanted nice things for her family. But all that changed last week as Mrs. Strange became the latest victim of a radical lobby that must be stopped at all costs. No, it’s not Big Tobacco or even Big Fast Food and certainly not the ever vile Big Asbestos. The culprit is one that you might not normally think of as evil. You poor, uninformed dupe!
This evil is none other than “Big Water”.
What’s that you say? You’ve never heard of “Big Water”? Well my friends that is because of a carefully orchestrated campaign by the Big Water Lobby which has convinced our elected officials that water is perfectly safe!
Mrs. Strange sadly died from water intoxication, a condition that is derived from consuming too much water. No joke. Consuming too much water can indeed kill you.
The story of this tragedy occurred because she entered a contest where the goal was to see who could drink the most water while not going to the bathroom. It was called “Hold Your Wee for a Wii”.
The worst part about this tragedy is that if only our elected officials were not in the pockets of Big Water she might still be alive today. But through their neglect and pursuit of power and campaign contributions she and the vast majority of Americans have never been made aware of the dangers of consuming too much water.
And while tragic that Mrs. Strange had to die to place this danger on the front page it goes far deeper than this. Big Water has our children in its grasp. Do you hear me? Our children for God’s Sake!
Every school in America has water fountains and our children are encouraged to drink copious amounts of water each day by quacks who call themselves doctors. Beyond that, many schools have swimming pools in which children are allowed to frolic and play in. And despite the number of deaths caused by drowning (yet another condition caused by consuming too much water) there is still no government mandated warning labels on these either!
This hideous monster must be stopped now! We can no longer overlook the threat caused by this deadly substance. Water must be strictly regulated and it must be regulated now!
As such, I propose restrictions on Big Water similar to those on other evil industries such as tobacco, asbestos, the vile price gouging oil companies, etc.
First of all, since water is “free” it is wrong that Big Water should be allowed to generate obscene profits by selling it. We need a windfall profits tax on water. I mean, come on! We have rivers and lakes and even oceans full of this stuff and Big Water thinks they can get away with charging a buck a gallon or more just because they bottle it or add a fruity flavor to it? This windfall profits tax will be used to help establish a trust fund from which victims of their deception will be compensated.
Next, from now on no one under the age of twenty-one will be allowed to purchase water and an ID will be required to confirm that you are indeed “of age”. That way we can keep “Big Water” from targeting children. Anyone that is caught giving water to a minor will be subject to a fine of at least $10,000 and a minimum of 10 years in prison.
In addition a new “water tax” shall be implemented and paid by people who decide to engage in the dangerous activity of consuming water. Said tax will be $10.00 per gallon but should be increased if it is determined not to be effective at curbing water consumption at that level.
On top of this, drinking of water in all public places shall be outlawed. We also need all containers of water to be plastered with large warning labels that read: “Surgeon General’s Warning: Consuming too much water may cause death.”
Oh, and just to make sure that the threat of Big Water is contained, the transport of water across state lines needs to be strictly prohibited. This means that we will have to damn up all rivers, lakes and oceans at the state line to prevent its flow from one state to the next. It’s a tall task but I am sure the federal government is up to it.
In order to educate our children properly about the threat of Big Water, mandatory classes about the dangers of water will be taught in all public schools. A two hour documentary on the dangers of consuming too much water called “An Inconvenient Truth II: Big Water Kills” hosted by Al Gore will be mandatory in these classes.
Restaurants will also have to be required to have a “no water” section for patrons that do not want to be exposed to other people’s water.
Because second hand water (urine and sweat) smell bad all sweating and urination will be outlawed in places of “public accommodation”. Gyms will be tightly regulated as will the restrooms of all restaurants. All government buildings will have their restrooms walled off and shut down.
To further protect the children there will be NO water allowed in any house where there are young children present as the risk of inadvertent exposure is simply too great.
But there is much more we can do! Rain needs be outlawed since it causes puddles from which thirsty children might be tempted to take a drink from. This will require that we create and fully staff the Federal Bureau of Rainfall Enforcement to ensure compliance with these prohibitions.
Lakes, rivers, streams, oceans and all sources of water on the planet will be sealed in 14 feet of concrete to avoid accidental exposure.
And finally since humans beings are about 70% water, all people will be rounded up and forcibly dehydrated in special ovens.
There you have it, a conclusive plan to help stop Big Water.
What? What do you mean no way? I don’t care how much you claim that you “need” that water. Put down that bottle! It’s for your own good!
Ok, ok you got me. This is nothing more than a bit of humor to continue to illustrate how some people are completely unaware that consuming unhealthy amounts of any substance including water and even oxygen can cause severe health problems and even death. Sure it’s common sense. But heck, since when does common sense matter?
And when people find out (sometimes the hard way) that consuming too much of anything is unhealthy the inevitable call to hold someone else accountable always rises up from the hapless that are incapable of managing their own lives or dealing with their own choices.
Mrs. Strange made a choice. Despite that however there are people that are seriously suggesting that the radio station should be held accountable for her death because they provided her with the water and encouraged her behavior. By that same “logic” it is not that far fetched to suggest exactly what I have above and hold mythical “Big Water” accountable. And if such is the standard of liability don’t even think about organizing events like marathons because the first person that gets sick from heat stroke or, God forbid, dies will be your responsibility.
But despite the insanity of such standards, ten people have now lost their jobs because of actions she freely chose to partake in. I guess we just have to blame someone.
Face facts. No one forced her to enter this contest. She chose to partake freely. It’s sad. But to suggest that someone else should be held accountable because of her own choices and her own inability to explore the potential consequences of her actions before engaging in them is madness.
But then again, I would argue that to put your own health and even life on the line for a $250 game console is even greater madness. Only in America!
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author and owner of Conservative Politics and Opinion – The Land of the Free and the American Conservative Daily Blog as well as The Right Things – Conservative T-shirts & Gifts. He has been writing about politics in the United States and around the world since