Years ago, my bedroom door had on it what appeared to be the image of a man’s face. I was certain it was a man and I called him Mr. Ozack. Others who looked at the door may have seen nothing more than some wood grain that sort of looked like a man’s face, but I was sure that Mr. Ozack was on my door.
Of course, I was only five at the time and I was not yet mature and sophisticated enough to know that if Mr. Ozack had really existed he would have appeared in some other manner-like on a grilled cheese sandwich or on the wall of an underpass.
Those are two of the places the Virgin Mary has allegedly made appearances over the past couple of years. Popping up in unexpected places is nothing new for Travelin’ Mary, but these two appearances drew particular interest because she had rarely been so creative.
The underpass believers were certain that the water stain was actually Jesus’ mom because it so much resembled the image on a painting of Mary. Apparently, the guy who made the painting knew exactly what Mary looked like because he had eaten a cheese sandwich earlier that day.
This seems like a pretty amazing thing to me. I mean the Virgin Mary appearing on the wall of an underpass isn’t something that happens every day. Sure sounds like a miracle to me. But, being the kind of guy who likes to investigate before declaring miracles, I decided I should take a look at the water stain myself. So I did what I always do whenever I want to get a good, close look at something. I checked the Internet.
After Googling the words “Virgin Mary underpass,” I had more than enough sources to choose from, and a vast majority of them had nice, clear pictures of the amazing stain. I studied each photo looking closely for the slightest hint of the Savior’s mommy. After hours of analyzing the picture, I could kind of see that maybe, just maybe, it sort of, kind of looked like the Virgin Mary.
But it really sort of, kind of looked more like a vagina.
Those of us who are vagina believers are quite certain that it was a vagina because we have seen pictures of vaginas-actual photographs, not artists’ conceptions based on cheese sandwiches-and we are quite familiar with what a vagina looks like.
What really makes me happy about all of this is that hundreds of believers had their pictures taken while posing next to and touching what they believed to be the mother of God-but to me looked like a giant vagina! That kind of thing makes me a happy man.
Now that I was on a roll, I decided to investigate the cheese sandwich phenomenon. In case you hadn’t heard about this one, a woman in Florida sold a grilled cheese sandwich on eBay for $28,000. Sure that sounds like a ridiculous price to pay for a sandwich; but according to the woman who sold it, the sandwich bore the image of the Virgin Mary. If that was indeed true, $28,000 would be an absolute steal!
Anyway, it was back to my friend Google and I did a search on the words “Virgin Mary cheese sandwich.” I really hit the jackpot there with 486 hits. Again, I had a load of photographs to look at. And, once again, I analyzed each photograph closely. After my water stain discovery, I was hoping to find another vagina (or perhaps a penis to go with the underpass vagina!), but after hours of studying the blessed cheese sandwich, I found nary a body part.
I do have to admit that the damn thing did seem to have a face on it. But, I really don’t think it was the Virgin Mary’s face.
Good to see you again Mr. Ozack!