I suffer from social anxiety disorder. If I am around too many people I have severe panic attacks and feel like I’m going to die if I don’t get away from them. This is not a normal life whatsoever and I’m sick of it. I have tried different medications and none of them have helped me yet. This is inherited from my father’s side of the family. His brother suffers from Agoraphobia and if I don’t get the help I need soon I will be soon heading down that very same road. He hasn’t left his house in over twenty years and I don not want to be like that. Three of my dad’s sisters also suffer from social anxiety disorder and one of them has been able to find the right medication they need to live a somewhat normal life. This is no way to live and I feel I am missing out on life in general.
I can’t go to family get togethers or birthday parties. I am practically stuck in my house all day long unless I have a doctor’s appointment. I do get out to go to the grocery store but once I’m in there and there are a lot of people the panic attacks come on so fast that I have to hurry up and get what I need and get out. The last time I went to Wal-Mart I had a panic attack so bad that I had to lean on the cart because I felt like I was going to pass out. When these attacks happen I don’t feel like myself and I don’t feel like I’m even there at the moment. I can’t concentrate and it frustrates me so much. It is not fair that so many of us have to go through this and because our insurance doesn’t cover what we need we can’t get on the right medication. All I want is to find the right medication and be able to live a normal life. It would be so nice to be able to get out and do things without being afraid or having panic attacks for once. Sometimes I don’t think it will ever happen though and it really makes me sad.
I often wonder what it would be like to be someone else and be able to go to parties or the movies or anywhere for that matter without going through these attacks. Sometimes I feel like people often look down at me for being this way but it is not my fault. I was born with this chemical imbalance and even as a kid I didn’t go to sleep overs like normal girls did. I’m not trying to get sympathy and I’m not whining about my problem I just think it helps a little to get it wrote down and let people know what I live like. I used to be embarrassed and tell people I worked as a private daycare provider because I didn’t want anyone to think of me as a freak with no life. But anymore I realize that it is not my fault and if people can’t like me for who I am then that’s on them. I have truly felt like an outcast all of my life anyway and if anyone wants to think of me as that then they aren’t the kind of person I want to deal with anyway.
So hopefully one day I will get to live a normal life. Until then I will continue to try every medication or anything else I can to get better and just hope that something helps me someday soon.