HOUSTON, TX and CHICAGO, IL – As the United States Mint prepares to release the new George Washington dollar coin on February 15, the first in a series of Presidential dollar coins, evil right-wing conspirators everywhere are rubbing their hands together with glee in anticipation of Ronald Reagan finally making his debut on American money.
This action follows on the heels of failed Congressional proposals to put Reagan’s face on such diverse surfaces as the dime, the ten-dollar bill and the American flag itself.
Popular with conservatives for his folksy charm and his supposed imperious vision to see large corporations dominating the world from revolving space fortresses, Ronald Reagan is remembered fondly by billionaire industrialists and ancestor-worshipping fascists with claws for hands who cherish a simpler time in America.
“We’ve honored such great Americans as Ben Franklin and Salmon P. Chase on money,” explained Reeve P. Cainewilhelm IV, plutocrat and snow-tire-chain manufacturer, in an interview at his thirty-six-room mansion in upstate New York. “Surely Ronald Reagan deserves this testament from the nation he served so gallantly.”
“The new Presidential dollar coin is a way of preserving our Presidents’ legacy for our youth,” commented oil mogul Wentworth J. Roscoe III, snatching a morsel of bread out of a starving orphan’s mouth. “Under the current proposal to release a new coin every three months, it is but a matter of time until Ronald Reagan finds his way onto money at last.”
While many vague, shadowed corporate gods in smoke-filled rooms expressed enthusiasm for the new dollar coin, indeed showing their highest spirits since Reagan’s name graced Washington, DC’s National Airport, few discussed plans to actually spend the coin. A brief poll revealed that the vast right-wing conspiracy is in fact unfamiliar with the notion of spending one’s own dollar, considering the act gauche and Communist.
Noting that the dollar coin release schedule of one new Presidential dollar coin every three months will put Reagan years in the future, aircraft engineering tycoon Randolph C. Sternlark, Jr. shrugged philosophically and said that perhaps a few billion of them might serve as his retirement gift. He was, however, cheered by the notion that the Thomas Jefferson dollar coin would arrive just in time to make a seventy-fifth birthday gift for the dark-skinned woman who has cleaned his beach house since 1988.
“We’re simply overjoyed that Ronald Reagan can at last be immortalized on money,” commented billionaire Kennedy T. Irving from his yacht. “It is the first step in our impossibly diabolical crusade that the left-wing media has been trying to warn you about. Now, we right-wing conspirators can focus our energies on putting the great man’s face on Mount Rushmore and, if time permits, the Vietnam Memorial. The year 2016 just can’t get here fast enough.”
Libertarians, meanwhile, are reportedly thrilled to consider the possibility of a Libertarian president on a coin by the year 2821.