Bill Clinton. Sometimes, after a workout, my calves are a little sore. Some say that I just need to stretch more before I exercise. Some say I need to ease up the pace over those hills. But I blame Bill Clinton. I’m sure his public love of junk food absolves me from all personal responsibility for my health. Oh sure, six years ago, my calves never hurt when I worked out. But then again, six years ago our country had a budget surplus, the world’s admiration, and a Federal Emergency Management Agency that worked. Look where that got us! And don’t try to pin responsibility on those who are actually in office. No, Bill Clinton is to blame. Not only for everything he did when he was President, but also for everything that’s happened in the six years he’s not been President, and the twelve years before that with a Republican Congress. That’s right. In the past fourteen years, Bill Clinton is the only person who has ever been responsible for anything – if President Bush actually thought he could change or improve the country, he wouldn’t have run for President. That’d be too much work, and he likes to just stay the course. Besides, the Republicans who have been in charge of all branches of Government for the past six miserable years are powerless beneath the weight of the Clinton Legacy. Bill Clinton is to blame for everything. Including North Korea getting the bomb, and my sore calves. Thanks for nothing, Bill.
Mark Warner. And speaking of contemptible former southern governors, the popular former Virginia Governor, Mark Warner, has announced that he will not run for the Presidency in 2008. Let the ululation and rending of the garments commence. Doesn’t he know that as a southerner, he is the Democrats’ only hope? Hush to those who want to pursue a western strategy that will free candidates from the need to pander to those who still want to fly the Confederate flag at the top of their state houses. The important thing is that Warner is the only available anti-Hillary candidate, and now we’re totally doomed! Doesn’t Warner know that unless we continue to field little-known candidates with next to zero name recognition and new political platforms every year, the voters will never get to know us or what we stand for? Doesn’t he know that it’s imperative that Democrats fight the losing battle to define a new candidate each and every campaign season, before the Republicans define him or her for us? Where, oh where, will we ever find another candidate that the majority of Democrats, and Americans for that matter, haven’t heard anything about?
Connecticut. There’s certainly something rotten in the state of Connecticut. First, Connecticut produced that upstart Ned Lamont, who dared to think he was entitled to challenge a sitting incumbent for his party’s nomination. Now, Connecticut voters may oust long-time Republican Representative Christopher Shays, who is a bastion of reasoned discourse if ever there was one. Example? Shays reassured voters that they shouldn’t be angry at Speaker Hastert for covering up sex abuse, because at least he hadn’t killed anyone. Then he told voters that they shouldn’t be upset about the murder that occurred at Abu Ghraib, because what happened there wasn’t torture, it was just sex abuse perpetrated by a sex ring. This, of course, puts him directly at odds with terrorist-coddler, Lindsey Graham, who characterized what happened at Abu Ghraib as torture, murder and rape. So how can Connecticut voters think about rejecting a stalwart like Shays when he provokes such enlightening debate?
Debates. Besides, who needs debates anyway? They’re just a formality where both candidates try to out-talking-point one another. It’s not like anything memorable has ever come out of a debate. No watch-glancing, sighing or you’re-no-John-Kennedying ever influenced an election in this country, I tell you. Well, Maryland gubernatorial candidates are giving public political discourse the contempt it deserves. After monkeying around with scheduling and negotiating difficulties, Ehrlich and O’Malley came upon the brilliant plan of having two debates in one day. Best of all, they gave the public minimal notice – negotiating final details into the wee hours. And the debate that will be shown on television is a taped version of the original. Now that’s public service!
Steve Lyons. On the one hand, FOX Sports Broadcaster Steve Lyons perhaps deserves some sympathy for thinking that he could get away with making a racially insensitive remark during the American League Championship Series. After all, he works for FOX. And FOX “newsman” John Gibson still has a job after telling his presumably white viewers that it was their duty to make more babies otherwise, in twenty-five years, the majority of the population would be of Hispanic descent. But what Lyons failed to understand is that you only get fired for racism on FOX if you’re a sports announcer, because sports are the only thing minorities watch on FOX.
Tin Foil. Maryland is a Diebold state, and Democrats are in charge. This must be hard on Republicans. Knowing that the fate of your state election relies upon the easily hacked machines is hard to swallow. Especially when just this week, evidence surfaced that the Diebold voting machines may have already been compromised in 2002. But Republicans should ignore their tin-foil-hat wearing Governor, who is wary of the machines. He actually thinks that there could actually be voter fraud in this country. What a nutjob! If somehow, someone did get away with stealing an election, we all know that they would be so hampered in governing that they would have to get broad consensus for every move, just to legitimize themselves. Besides, our elections are always fair and accurate – especially when there is no paper trail, and no hanging chads to peek at. What we don’t know can’t hurt us, right? So, that’s why modern Maryland voters should just love Question 4, the Election Law Revisions Referendum. I mean, among other things, it ensures that Diebold-loving election official Linda Lamone will keep her job forever. It requires a super-majority of the State Board to remove the State Administrator of Elections, and that’s a great thing, because after the recent Maryland primaries in which morning voters were turned away at the polls, it’s clear that Linda Lamone is doing a spectacular job.
Balloons. My husband and I hosted an engagement party this past weekend, complete with cake, sparkling cider, and balloons. Fun was had by all. All except for my young gray cat. You see, the cat is real jumpy ever since an unfortunate encounter with my parents’ dogs, who chased him up the stairs like he was a hare at the racetrack. He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, but we tell him that there’s no scientific evidence to back up his claims, so he just slinks around being scared of everything. Including the helium balloons. Every time the balloons so much as swayed he ran and hid. So at the end of the party, I had to collect them all and stuff them into the bathroom where I promptly forgot about them. Oh, how my husband and I mocked our cat for his abject terror. Before bed, we really yucked it up. Fast forward to me, later, stumbling through the dark to the bathroom. I opened the door, and out of the shadows, this giant multi-headed monster floated down towards me. I shrieked and flailed in terror before I realized it was the balloons. You might think that cats can’t laugh. But oh, my cat laughed. He is still laughing.