The American public expressed distaste yesterday as a rash of apparently random criticisms from the hosts of American Idol swept across the country.
Amanda Watson, 14, of Pensacola, Florida, was one victim.
“I was just showering, singing some Kelly Clarkson song, and Paula Abdul broke down the door like the Kool-Aid guy”, Watson said. “She told me I was really nice, but I shouldn’t consider singing as a career path.”
“I was scared. And she made Mr. Biggles feel sad,” said Watson, referring to her cat.
The middle schooler currently has plans to attend law school, or possibly become a vet.
The rash of criticisms wasn’t restricted to singers. Street performer Bummy Pete in St. Louis, Missouri was emotionally assaulted after a lackluster round of panhandling by American Idol favorite Randy Jackson.
“Yo, dawg, I just wasn’t feelin’ it when you were shakin’ that change, baby. You gotta really step up when you’re tryin’ to live off of your talents, boy. You can’t just jangle around like that.”
Bummy Pete was perplexed, but has been completely mute since a failed tracheotomy in 1995 and had no comment.
Tom Smith, investment broker out of Brooklyn, was assaulted by the critics on the way to work.
“Out of nowhere, Simon Cowell walked up and started telling me I looked like an African bushbaby,” said Smith. “He said I needed to reconsider whether I had anything to offer the world. I was just eating a f**king sandwich”.
“Then, Ryan Seacrest came up to me in a cheap suit jacket and tight pants and asked me how I felt. That was just insulting.”
He added, “what a total dick.”
While the producers of American Idol refuse to comment on the phenomenon, some researchers believe that the judges have gone on a frenzy of criticism due to their incredible and inexplicable fame.
“Because they’re getting so much positive reinforcement for being total chodes to people on TV, they’ve decided to take their immensely cruel brand of self-righteous assholery on the road.” Sociologist Tim Brooks explains.
“If people want them to stop being such f**ktards, they just need to stop watching that show and encouraging the mockery and systematic emotional destruction of their fellow human beings.”
Simon Cowell, however, decried Tim Brooks’ sociological qualifications. “Absolutely horrible sociologist. No sense of style, awful subject choice. Frankly, I’m amazed that nobody’s told him this before today.”