It seems that there are a lot of bored people out there in the cyber- universe, with lots of money to burn. Such individuals seem to gravitate towards online auction sites like Ebay and they appear willing to bid on whatever strikes their fancy, even if the item in question is totally absurd.
For anyone is interested in what types of things are currently being offered on Ebay for those with no life and a whole lotta money to waste, here are some items, current and past, that you may find interesting on the #1 online auction site
What’s In a Name?
.A seller declares that he will “pee your name in the snow” in one of three areas affected by the recent big Northeast snowstorm. He states that he has over 30 years of expert experience in writing his name in the snow and confidently promises that he will write your name in cursive, without any abbreviations. If you are the oh-so-fortunate individual to win this bid, you will get an 8 megapixel photo shot of the finished work, along with a “certificate of authenticity”. The dedicated artist will do his best to drink lots of vitamin-rich liquids, so that the color contrasts will be as spectacular as possible. There were 2 bids on this when last I looked.
This delightful item was found in the “Speciality Services: Artistic Services” section of Ebay.
A Weird Read
For those into the gross and macabre, you can bid on “4 Mid Continent Mortician Magazines” circa 1972.
In these creepy vintage pages, you will find classified ads for hearses, coffins and fluids. There are, as well, many “interesting articles”, although I can’t think of any subject these issues deal with that any sane person would be remotely interested in reading, unless, of course, he is Stephen King. You will be stunned, I’m sure, to know that there were no bids, thus far, for this item, but hope springs eternal.
This spine-tingling item was found in the “Everything Else: Funeral and Cemetery” section.
So, You Need a Unique Centerpiece for That Coffee Table?
Here is an item that will discourage any annoying family member, neighbor or acquaintance from making a repeat visit to your home. It is listed as a “Freak, 2-Headed Chicken Circus Sideshow Gaff, Taxidermy” and is about as disgustingly unusual as you’d expect. To assure any volatile animal rights activists that the creature’s carcass was not obtained through violent means, the seller states that the chicken in question died of “natural causes”. It stands atop a wooden base. If you end up with the winning bid, just imagine the reactions when you place this on the fireplace mantle or in the center of the dining room table. This is the perfect piece for the chronically anti-social. There were 9 folks bidding on this at last check.
This oddity was found in the “Everything Else: Weird Stuff: Totally Bizarre” section.
So Realistic, It Will Shock You!
If you are still bitter about losing that bid on the pancake bearing the likeness of the Virgin Mary, perk up. You have a good chance of getting another unique food item. Listed as the “Buttocks Potato”, the vegetable up for grabs is a Russert potato that indeed looks exactly like a human-type backside, middle split included. Although there were no bids at the time I saw it, I am confident that vegetable fetishists from around the globe will soon be competing for ownership. Just what the winner plans on doing when this little beauty starts to rot is anybody’s guess.
Take a look, if it’s still around in the “Everything Else: Weird Stuff: Really Weird” section.
Someone wants to sell a “Nasty Celebrity Hairball” on Ebay and, although they are not saying to whom the shorn locks belong, the inference is obvious. It was pretty clear to anybody that it would be just a matter of time before follicles from Britney Spears’ do-it-yourself noggin-shaving at a Tarzana, California hair salon would be on Ebay. I am sure that every enterprising stylist in the joint had visions of dollar signs dancing in their heads. The clump of hair that was last up for bid was reportedly found in a bathroom sink and the seller stats that a DNA test will be provided to determine if the hairy mess truly belongs to “Brits”. What’s next, Federline’s goatee?
This was listed in the “Everything Else: Weird Stuff: Totally Bizarre” section.
Something For the Charitably-Minded
An Ebay seller asks for bids to help her desperate situation. Is it a life-saving operation for her dying Uncle Finster, the poor-but-loving relative who raised her after her irresponsible hippie parents went to Woodstock and never returned? Is it to raise funds for the wild-spotted-Albanian yak population, in danger of being killed off by sharpshooting tourists? Nope. It’s a request for money to help pay for a boob job for a seller who wants to go from a C cup to a D cup. Before-and-after photos will go to the winning bidder. And you thought stuff like world hunger, AIDS and the Sudan mattered! Silly you!
This was found in the “Everything Else: Weird Stuff: Slightly Unusual” section.
A man recently put his soul up for bid on Ebay. The auction site informed him that the selling of one’s soul is not permitted on Ebay, but Mr. Brent Lee Morton continued to persevere and to get around the restriction, he instead offered bidders the following:
A. A notarized certificate that stated that they are the owner of his soul for the period of one year and, in the case of his death, they will own his soul for eternity
B. His handwritten journal (no doubt filled with non-sensical ramblings)
C. The service of his practicing the religion of their choice and considering their advice for a year.
The winning bid was $152.57 and the item had been listed in the “Everything Else: Weird Stuff: Totally Bizarre” section.