A few weeks ago the PBS documentary series Frontline presented The Hand of God, which detailed one man’s journey through life after being sexually abused by Father Joseph Birmingham, a graduate of the class of supreme pedophiles of 1960 at St. John’s Seminary in Brighton, MA. Anyone who watched The Hand of God probably had trouble sleeping that night as the anger gnawed its way through their intestines. Watching this Frontline documentary was in some ways even more frustrating than watching The Dark Side, a Frontline documentary about Dick Cheney’s attempt to stage a coup and rewrite the Constitution. Why? Because Dick Cheney will die someday-it is to be hoped that the day will be very soon and will involve a tremendous amount of pain, more pain than even Darth Cheney can imagine while he masturbates to images of Abu Ghraib-but the Catholic Church will probably outlast us all.
The Hand of God didn’t just inspire anger because it related the story of yet another choir boy being exploited by a pedophile in a cassock, but also because it offered proof straight from the mouths of priests, bishops and cardinals that everyone at every level of the Catholic Church right up to Pope John Paul II-the man who is considered to be on the fast track to sainthood!-has conspired to cover up the extraordinarily level of sexual perversion taking place in the sanctified comfort of churches across America. One of the most chilling sequences in The Hand of God-one of the most chilling scenes ever presented on Frontline which, lord knows, has had more than its fair share of them-featured home video showing Father Anthony Laurano looking like an extra who had just come straight of the set of The Godfather going on about how he is a level above normal people and shouldn’t be held to the same expectations.
Yeah, you got that right Father Boy Rapist!
And that, in a nutshell, is the whole problem with the Catholic Church. Well, the Catholic Church is overflowing with more problems than the Bush administration, but that is the problem concerning the rampant pedophilia taking place in the Catholic Church. These guys are convinced they have a direct link to God, which of course couldn’t be farther from the truth. Me, I’d rather take morality lessons from Julia Roberts than any priest in the Catholic Church. One of the reasons these buttfuckers think they can get away with this crap is because…they have. And they do. And they will. Because nobody is going to hold the Catholic Church accountable. Certainly not the Pope. He’s far too busy castigating Islam to turn his attention to the crimes and misdemeanors of Christianity. But, as you might expect, I have a solution.
Are you familiar with the Skoptzies of Russia? They were a religious order who-like the Catholic Church-advocated chastity. Unlike the Catholics, however, the Skoptzies were willing to put their knives where their penises were. Yes, the Skoptzies weren’t willing to merely place their inability to control their most deviant sexual desires in the hand of God, so they castrated themselves for insurance against the possibility of giving in to the devil. Now, the Skoptzies lived in the 18th and 19th century so when they castrated themselves it was without benefit of anesthesia. In fact, there was no particular method, they would use whatever was handy: pieces of broken glass, knives, razor blades, even branding irons. In other words, the Skoptzies truly believed in God and were willing to hurt themselves to show allegiance to Him. Compare that to the men and women of the Catholic Church who are willing to hurt young children and show allegiance to God with centuries of torture of His Chosen People.
The Skoptzies-like most religious orders-didn’t turn to the Bible as a whole, of course, but rather picked and chose. As a result, they focused on two particular Biblical verses from Matthew and Luke that indicated that God has a place in Heaven for eunuchs, and the barren are blessed. Insane? Sure, but you’ve got to them credit for practicing what they preach.
Too bad we can’t say the same for the Catholic Church.
Now, I know what some of are you are thinking. It’s totally unfair of me to blame the entire Catholic Church for the sick and perverted actions of a few. To which I reply: If we compared the ratio of Catholic priests who’ve molested or raped young children to the ratio of Muslims who’ve committed acts of terrorism against the United States, I bet you all the money that Britney Spears will save over the course of her life by not buying underwear that the ratio would be at least three or four times higher for the former. And yet, the US launched a war that tens of millions of Americans still support simply because a handful of Muslims are psychotic and unable to control their impulses.
Well, since we know the Catholic Church doesn’t give a flying buttress about protecting the rectums of young boys across this country, I propose that any man who becomes a priest be chemically castrated. And if that still isn’t enough to control their impulse, then any priest found guilty of sexual abuse should be surgically castrated. See, I didn’t even suggest they be castrated with a piece of broken glass while conscious; I’m a caring individual.