Over the years, my wife has tried every diet imaginable over the years. In order to lose the 25 pounds that have crept up on her due to the passage of time, childbirth and plain old gravity, she has sacrificed her hunger to every fad diet on the market.
She has done the water diet, the watermelon diet, the vegetables-only diet. The sex-with-your-husband-5-days-a-week diet (does that one exist? If it doesn’t, it should). So many diets I can’t keep track of them all. Being the doting husband that I am, I have tried to steer her in the right direction. Exercise 3 or 4 times a week I say, and you’ll be surprised how fast the pounds come off. And even if they don’t, you’ll feel better. And really, isn’t that what it’s all about? But the exercise-regularly diet just doesn’t seem to interest my wife as much as the all-ice cream diet.
Nutritionists say that “snacking” is what puts on the pounds. All those cookies and chips lying around the house. Nothing but trouble. Better to nibble on carrot sticks and cucumber slices. Well what fun is that? If I want carrot sticks I’ll eat a salad for Pete’s sake. But I concur. If you’re going to snack, why not snack on something that is at least good for you?
We gave that one a try at our house. We got rid of all the snack food. Unfortunately the only way to get rid of it all was to eat it. Not sure if that was the correct approach or not. I know my kid enjoyed it. Anyway, no more junk food. Only fruits and vegetables available now. I noticed immediately how quiet the house became. No more crunching. The electric bill dropped by 15% because the refrigerator wasn’t open nearly as much. Healthy snacking just wasn’t as much fun.
All the fiber did a job on my wife’s colon that’s for sure. She sure spent a lot more time on the toilet. But a funny thing happened on the way to the ladies room: my wife lost two pounds. Almost immediately as a matter of fact. And my kid’s acne cleared up. Hey, maybe this sensible snacking thing has some merit.
It took just two pounds to put my wife on the fast track to yet another attempted diet. We started eating more vegetables. I remembered her going this route a few years ago with mixed results. We were going to try it again. I But all those greens just made me hungrier in the long run. I could practically feel my stomach digesting the food. “That’s your body losing weight” was my wife’s reply. I didn’t really want to lose any weight. At this point we were both spending a lot more time in the bathroom. On a side note – I propose to you that a bathroom is one of the best places to read a book. Anyway, I couldn’t deny that with all this salad coursing through my veins, I actually felt pretty good. So I bartered a deal: my wife goes to the gym. Any gym will do, it doesn’t have to be with me. And I will continue eating vegetables. She started the following Monday. And darn it if she didn’t lose 3 more pounds. That was 5 pounds in one month. I hate it when nutritionists are right.
I’m not sure if it was sensible snacking, no more candy bars, exercise, or a combination of all three. I think that my wife just got tired of looking in the mirror and seeing twins. Got tired of hearing people ask if she was expecting. Got tired of not seeing her feet when she bent over. Whatever the reason, it worked. My wife has a ways to go still before she reaches that 25 pound milestone. But she is well on her way. That crazy wife of mine. I couldn’t be happier. And she is overjoyed. She is slimming down and I enjoy looking at her in a bikini. Heck, if I knew it all had to do with junk food, I’d have cleaned out the pantry years ago. Anybody for a carrot stick?