It’s official, Hollywood has totally run out of ideas. They are now putting out sequels to movies made in our lifetimes! So, since they’ve stopped coming up with new material, we thought we’d try to help them out with some direct-to-video sequels they might as well make:
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Closeout Sale – Turns out putting an 8-year old boy in charge of a major corporation was a really bad idea. The now-bankrupted company is forced to sell off all its assets and the Oompa-Loompas are fired and forced to sell candy door-to-door. Willy Wonka attempts to torch the building for insurance.
Casablanca: A Beautiful Friendship – Turns out Louie and Rick’s partnership blossoms into something more than friendship as they battle their way across the continent between spats and fashion faux paus.
Pinocchio II: Back to the Woodshed – For some lame reason, Pinocchio is turned back into a wooden puppet and hunted by a crazed lumberjack.
E.T.& T – ET comes back to earth, but is captured and put to work as a spokesperson for a telecommunications corporation spouting their new slogan “Phone home…for less!”
The Re-Producers – A couple of Broadway con men discover they can make a fortune if the set up a company that can clone babies but don’t actually clone any babies.
Singing In the Snow – The characters from “Singing in the Rain” are faced with a sudden cold snap because of Extreme Climate Change.
Titanic 2: The Wrath of the Iceberg – The iceberg, now having killed, kills again. It roams the Atlantic, preying on unsuspecting ocean liners. Finally, Rose and a scrappy band of survivors team up with a mad sea captain and an expert on ice to hunt down the iceberg and destroy it. Armed only with a flame-thrower, they eventually lure it to the equator.
M*A*S*H Reloaded – When hostilities flare up anew with North Korea, the army just drafts all the people who fought there the first time, since they already know the area, so Hawkeye, Trapper John and the guys and gals are back on the job.
Close Encounters of the 4th Kind – Close Encounters of the first kind? Sightings. Second kind? Physical evidence. Third kind? Contact. Close Encounters of the 4th kind? Repeated anal probes! Turns out that’s pretty much the whole reason the aliens wanted to come to earth, for an unlimited supply of human butts.
Pearl Harbor 2: Hiroshima – This time the army comes up with a plan that will really show the Japanese Empire we mean business.
Citizen Kane 2: Son of Kane – Davie, son of the media titan, doesn’t do as well as his dad, and eventually loses the whole business. He’s left with one magazine in the end. Davie’s dying words? “Cracked.”
Ghost 2: Back to Earth – When Patrick Swayze finds heaven really dull, he comes back to earth and teams up with Whoopie Goldberg to solve crimes. Whoopie then has to learn not to hide behind Swayze when bad guys shot at them.
Pretty Woman 2: The Love Bugs – The happy couple have to race to get a cure for all the STDs Julia Roberts picked up from all those years on the street.
Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Man o’Pause! – Robin Williams is now so into his feminine side that he begins suffering from menopause and brittle bones. Hilarity ensues. Along with a hip replacement.
Who Fired Roger Rabbit? – When the studio lays off the cartoon rabbit in a cost cutting move, he’s forced to start doing commercials for a breakfast cereal. This leads to a wacky feud with the Trix Rabbit and Tony the Tiger.
Rainman 2: The Rainman Runneth – The idiot savant, Raymond, winds up getting nominated for president. And because he can count the votes so well, he wins. He even gets to appoint Judge Wampner to the Supreme Court.