The Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are the basis for all Christianity. Yet none of these authors knew Jesus Christ personally, though Matthew was known as “that guy who says he met Jesus.” Experts feel that the Gospels are all based on an earlier written account of Jesus’ life and teachings, perhaps authored by one of the Apostles. This account has been called Source Q by scholars and has been sought for centuries. Now archaeologists believe they have at last found the missing Source Q. This discovery has major religious and historical ramifications, even though the authenticity of the documents is in doubt since they were found on Ebay. Nonetheless, we present here some excerpts from the proto-New Testament:
Jesus Heals a Blind Man
As Jesus entered the town, the crowd lead him to the city temple. The people then brought in Beliza, the blind beggar, stricken since birth. And the crowd pleaded for Our Lord to heal him. Placing His Hands over Beliza’s eyes, Christ said, “Go forth and see they Father’s wonders. Your faith has healed you.” And Beliza opened his eyes, exclaiming, “I can see! God be praised!”
Jesus then asked Beliza, “Can you see that wall?” “Yes, my Lord,” replied Beliza.
Then Christ asked, “Can you see that chart upon the wall?”
“Yes, a miracle indeed,” was Beliza’s answer.
“Read the third line,” commanded Jesus.
“P, Q, M, A, U,” said Beliza.
And the Lord said, “Read the next line.”
And Beliza obeyed, reading, “R, B, D, T, F.”
And the Son of Man said, “Too bad, myopic. Here get these eye drops and your glasses will be ready next week.”
Jesus Tells A Joke
And the Lord called Simon Peter to His side and Peter asked, “What do you wish of me, Teacher?”
“Peter, what happens to docks when they break the law?” asked Christ.
And Peter said, “I know not, Master. What happens to docks which break the law?”
“They are tried by a jury of their piers!”
And the disciple Peter said, “I don’t understand, Teacher.”
“Get it? Docks, peers…” Jesus explained.
“Oh, yes, of course. I see it now. Ha, ha,” said Simon Peter. And Jesus summoned Judas to join them, whereupon He put the same question to him. “Judas, my friend, what happens to docks which break the law?”
“Man’s law or the laws of God which were laid out to us in ancient times?” asked Judas.
And the Son of Man said unto them, “Forget it. I think I’ll tell parables instead.”
Water Changed to Wine
At the wedding the guests were plentiful and joyous. The bride and groom served the wine but soon discovered the barrels dry and the party members thirsty still. The groom sought out Jesus, pleading, “We are short of wine and the feast as but just begun. Is there nothing you can do?”
Jesus summoned the servants and instructed them to fill their jugs with water and to then bring Him the filled vessels. The servants followed His commands. Jesus took the first jug and poured out red wine to be tested by the groom.
“Well?” asked Our Lord.
“A little dry but with an amusing bouquet,” replied the bridegroom.
And the Lord asked, “How about a nice chablis?”
Jesus Calms the Mob
As Christ preached to the crowd, the town elders dragged a young woman to the center of the square and called out to Him, “Jesus of Nazareth, we bring before you Bethra, who has bedded down with many men for gold. Is it not written in the law of Moses that one guilty of such a crime be stoned to death?”
The crowd cried out in agreement as Our Lord raised his hand to answer. The roar subsided as He softly said, “What your have spoken is true but I say unto you; Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!” And from the center of the multitude there was hurled a rock which struck Bethra on the head. And the Lord our God said, “Mom!”
A Meeting With The Pharisees
Jesus was called before the council of Pharisees to be exposed as a false prophet. Maccilfit, the chief Pharisee, asked the Lord, “Rabbi, we are forced to live under the Roman armies, yet Moses, our forefather, did not tolerate such treatment under the Egyptians and began the Exodus to the Promised Land. Should we not overthrow the violators of our heritage and avenge the slavery of our people?”
And Jesus said unto them, “Let me tell you a story. A bus begins its route and picks up three people at the first stop. At the next stop, two people get off and six get on. The next stop sees the exit of four people and the boarding of seven. At the next stop, seven get off and two get on. Got that? Now, dear elders, tell me how many stops did the bus make?”
And the Pharisees were sore afraid as Maccilfit spake, “I don’t know. I wasn’t counting…”
Whereupon Our Lord said, “Of course you don’t know. You never listen to what I say. How do you expect to learn anything if you don’t pay attention?”
Jesus Heals a Deaf Man
A woman came to Christ and ask of Him a favor. “Please, I have heard of your healing powers, please heal my husband as he is deaf but a good man. I know you can heal him for God works through you.”
And Jesus said unto the woman, “Go home to your spouse for he is healed.”
Lo, the woman hurried home to her husband and cried, “Husband, I have seen the Savior and He has cured you!”
And her husband said, “Uh?”