Some people are funny, and some people just think their funny. Don’t know if you’re funny or not? Well you’re NOT funny if you find yourself spending your time playing bridge with grandma on Saturday night. Lets face it, grandma laughs at your repertoires because she loves you (and because she needs a bridge partner). So if you find yourself in this unlucky category, read and re-read this article until its burned into your memory (just don’t tell anyone you took notes).
1. When someone calls you a loser, an acceptable answer is NOT “I know you are but what I am.”
2. Johnny Depp looked really hot while saying “Sticks and stones, love.” You on the other hand just look like a dork.
3. Sarcasm IS funny, when used in the right situation. Don’t go crazy and start being sarcastic about every remark you hear (unless you want to end up toothless). For example, the right moment to have a sarcastic remark would be when you friend says he likes his salads tossed. A bad time for a sarcastic remark would be when the 6 foot tall 300 lb man down the street says he’s feeling homicidal.
4. Do NOT make fun of people who are exceptionally larger than you. Your funny comebacks will not defend you when you find yourself on the other side of their exceptionally large fist.
5. Do NOT plan your jokes ahead of time. The professionals improvise for a reason; funniness comes naturally, not from a cheat sheet on your hand.
6. Everyone thought “The Sherminator” was a loser; they will think the same thing about your clever name.
7. Do NOT practice your jokes or humor in front of a mirror while making funny faces, that’s just pathetic.
8. Making fun of your own race IS funny. Making fun of Arabs while in line at the 7-11 is NOT (unless of course you happen to be Arab).
9. Groupies, groupies, groupies. Even if your not funny you will at least appear to be if you have a select group of people you hang out with who think you are (once again, grandma’s bridge club does NOT count).
10. Remember, “your mama” jokes are funny when they aren’t about YOUR mother. The guy your telling them to feels the same way.
11. Let a bad joke die. Do NOT continue to laugh like a hyena at a joke or comment you made while everyone else stares at you wondering why exactly they are hanging out with you.
12. Keep your laughter in check. It may have been funny for milk to come shooting out of your nose in elementary school but grow ups don’t want your booger juice all over their face.
13. Your bodily functions are only funny if you’re Larry the Cable Guy.
14. If one of your friends is always out doing you, stealing your jokes, or robbing you of your moments, tell him or her that their jokes would be so much funnier if only you happened to be deaf. Assuming they aren’t one of those people who are exceptionally larger than you, you shouldn’t get beat down too bad and they will probably leave the jokes to you next time.
15. If you find that you have a talent for making up jokes, run them by your grandma first. Chances are if she finds them vulgar, offensive, and distasteful you’re on the right track.
Did you take notes? Well as long as you didn’t analyze the text and make a pie chart you probably have some potential. Now go make your grandmas bridge club blush!