Congratulations on your decision to attend college, and thank you for choosing the main campus of the Robert Blake Handgun Safety Institute and School of Court Reporting. We know that this was a major decision for you and we are committed to making your adjustment to campus life as stress-free as possible. Please take a few minutes to read the following suggestions that we hope will help you adjust to the changes in college life.
Some new students may find themselves older than the majority of their classmates. If this is not immediately obvious, we suggest that you contact our remedial mathematics department to enroll in our special class “Fingers and Toes Might Be Digits; but that Doesn’t Qualify as a Digital Calculator.”
Along this line, some of our students will refer to you as “Sir” or “Ma’am.” Many of them developed this habit because it was required of them when speaking with people such as guards, wardens, and probation officers, so don’t think that you are being singled out because of your age.
Another thing you might find unusual is how references to different events or people will be interpreted differently by your younger classmates. For example, if you mention “Charlie Manson” don’t be surprised if some of your fellow students will ask “Is that Marilyn Manson’s father?” Or you might mention “Richard Nixon” and someone might think you are referring to an outside linebacker for the Oakland Raiders. This might seem strange at first, but we at The Robert Blake Institute are committed to the belief that a diverse student body can only enrich the academic experience for all. It also enriches our operating budget, but this will be covered in greater detail during your new student orientation presentation on “There are No Stupid Students, Only Stupid Tests.”
We pride ourselves on having one of the most progressive class attendance policies of any college or university in the country. Our policies are explained in detail in your student handbook but the following summary will answer most of your questions.
1) The class meeting times listed on your class enrollment schedule are suggestions only. You will be counted as present as long as you are physically in the same building as your assigned classroom at the end of the class session.
2) Any student missing more than four (4) consecutive classes will be assumed to have withdrawn from class. Acceptable reasons for withdrawing from a class include, but are not limited to: death (regardless of circumstances or findings of a Coroner’s Inquest), failure to post bail, interstate flight to avoid prosecution, subpoena, or appearances as a guest on either the Jerry Springer or Oprah Winfrey Shows.
3) Students wishing to be readmitted to class after missing four (4) consecutive class sessions must bring a signed statement from one of the following individuals: abortionist, probation officer, attorney, presiding judge, attending physician, any co-conspirator turning state’s evidence, or jury foreman. This statement must be presented to the Assistant Dean for Student Affairs Office located in the StudentCenter, 1st floor, next to the Sheriff’s Department holding cell.
2A. Children, Cell Phones and Other Distractions
We know how many very important people attend this campus and that these people must NEVER be out of contact with anyone for longer than fifteen (15) minutes at a time. We encourage our instructors to recognize this fact and it is our policy that you may receive three (3) calls per classroom hour without penalty. Any calls in excess of this number will probably result in your being beaten to a bloody pulp by your fellow students and/or another gang.
Children (yours or someone else’s) are not permitted in the classrooms while a class is in progress. If you need assistance with child care, please see Mr. Michael Jackson at the Student Resources Office on the second floor of the Administration building, next to the Happy Days Bail Bonds office.
1) Is a joke.
2) Parking is allowed only in designated areas that are easily identified by a pair of white or yellow parallel lines on the pavement. Parking on top of yellow chalk marks that are shaped similar to the outline of a human body is prohibited at all times.
3) Parking on top of pedestrians, bicyclists, or uniformed Campus Security personnel may result in loss of parking privileges.
4) Parking in grassy areas is not allowed unless a grazing permit has been obtained from Campus Security.
4. Academic (ak-uh-dim-ik) Policies
We like to think that our academic policies are as progressive and enlightened as our class attendance policies, which were mentioned earlier in this guide. It is the policy of this school that the following guidelines are to be followed by all instructors:
1) Any student caught copying another student’s work will be referred to the office of the Associate Dean for Academic Integrity for counseling on how to avoid detection in the future.
2) A student may appeal any grading decision by an instructor by following the following procedure:
Submitting to the instructor the student’s name (or nickname), class name, and grade desired. This information should be recorded on the back of a $100 bill ( currency) and submitted to the instructor. It should be noted that some instructors might require several such submissions before the grade in question can be changed.
3) Plagiarism may be dealt with by either of the above mentioned policies.
4) No student may be subsequently accused of the same offense.
5) Instructors must allow additional time for students with physical disabilities to turn in any assignments or tests that are required for completion of a course. Physical disability is defined as any condition that limits a student’s range of motion, including leg shackles and handcuffs.
5. Campus Safety
You can help us provide a safe, healthy campus by following the following simple rules while you are a student.
1) All firearms must be legal under Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms regulations that were in force when you first enrolled at this facility.
2) Always remember that the “safety” or “locked” positions are for your safety!
3) Weapons of greater than 7.62 mm caliber are not allowed on this campus at any time.
4) All telephone calls to Campus Security are eligible for rewards under the Crime Stoppers and/or Neighborhood Watch programs.
6. Your Rights as a Student
1) You have the RIGHT to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
2) You have the RIGHT to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you at no cost.
3) You have the RIGHT to be a complete idiot but you have NO RIGHT to force your idiotic ideas on anyone else. This includes that Neolithic noise that you call music.
4) In fact, you have NO RIGHT to live and you would, in fact, be doing society a favor if you would remove worthless self from the gene pool as soon as possible.
7. Obligatory Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action Statement
This institution of higher learning is fully committed to the principles of Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action. All students are considered for admission regardless of age, color, gang colors, sex, sex life, prior convictions, current appellate status, pending indictment, or intellectual capacity.
Again, let us thank you for choosing the Robert Blake Handgun Safety Institute and School of Court Reporting. If you have any questions please have your attorney, probation officer, or public defenders submit them, in writing, to our counsel of record.