I’m not saying I want my wife to respond the way our dog does — our pooch does what most seem to do and that’s stick it’s nose in my crotch. Let me tell you, if my wife started doing THAT every time I walked in the door I’d think I died and went to Heaven. But apparently there is something about me that gets my dog all worked up. And that something is pheromones. Pheromones — that natural man or woman scent that we give off and that makes crowds part when we walk into a room. I don’t know if I need it to go that far. I’d just settle for my wife ripping her clothes off every now and then whenever I clear my throat.
This pheromone thing is serious business – apparently I’m not the only husband out there that thinks this way. The Athena Institute in Pennsylvania (www.athenainstitute.com) is a leading producer of human pheromone research. They claim to have discovered pheromones that make men and women go wild for each other and they’ve published their results on line. But the results can’t be replicated in other labs because the formulas of the pheromones are secret — and the Institute sells them in vials on the Internet for the low, low price of about $100.00 a vial.
According to www.health.discovery.com, pheromones are an invisible, undetectable force that’s powerful enough to override your sense of reason yet draw you to someone with an almost animal passion. Well right there is a problem, darn it. I don’t need to be drawn to my wife. Heck, all she needs to do is look my way for me to salute the flag. I want her to be drawn to me! Scientists have been researching for years whether or not humans, like other animals, exude these secret scents. When my daughter was about 3 or 4 years old I could magically emit a secret scent every time she pulled my finger. Maybe that’s why my wife keeps me at arms length.
Pherone.com points out that biologists describe pheromones as “smellprints” supposedly as unique to each of us as our fingerprints. Smell is the most primitive of human senses and, unlike sight and touch, travels a direct route to the brain’s limbic lobe where it can provoke an emotional reaction that can, quite literally, be a turn-on.
Well there you go! In the name of research I went back to internet. Somewhere there’s a bottle of pheromones that will make my wife turn to putty the moment I walk by. And not just because I haven’t washed.
My first link waswww.best-pheromones.com. This is a sub-link to the Pheromone Institute where immediately I was asked who I wanted to attract. The choice wasn’t just “women” but “sexy women.” Attracting sexy women comes at a price — namely $49.00 a bottle. The Human Pheromone Store (www.humanpheromonestore.com) was next. This online store doesn’t just offer pheromones for $50.00 a vial — but it also offers a wide range of other products aimed at the libido of men and women. I checked out www.nexuspheromones.comnext.According to this website “… NEXUS Pheromones delivers the essential chemical-hormonal elements to subtly yet unmistakably communicate your masculine power…!” Usually if I want to subtly communicate with my wife I just whisper in my wife’s ear and stand back. Within 15 seconds of me saying “…time for some masculine power, baby!” she is hard at work on a new 3000 piece jigsaw puzzle. All these sites must be in cahoots because the going price for most of this stuff is $49.00 a bottle and Nexus is no exception. Would someone please tell me what a 3000 piece jigsaw has that I don’t?
But I digress.
While there’s absolutely no proof that pheromones can deliver on any kind of erotic promise, pheromones continue to do brisk business — with repeat buyers a big segment of the client base.
So how exactly do pheromones work? According to the on-line journal Science Creative Quarterly (www.scq.ubc.ca):
– Pheromones work in very minute concentrations — they are effective even in amounts too small to smell.
– Pheromones are sexually dimorphic in terms of odor perception. In other words, male pheromones usually have more of an odor to men, and more of an effect on women. Female pheromones usually have more of an odor to women and more of an effect on men.
– Pheromones which smell bad to men may smell good to women, and vice versa.
– Some pheromones seem to always smell good to women, while others (androstenone, for example) smell bad to women except during the time of the month when they are ovulating.
– About 40%-50% of men cannot smell androstenone (the main ingredient of pheromones), so be careful: It’s easy to over-apply when you can’t smell it!
I hate to admit it, but my need to attract women has been overpowered by my need not to pay $50.00 for what amounts to a bottle of sweat. In fact, I did my own little bit of research and have discovered that a dozen roses and not leaving hair in the sink probably did more for wife’s libido than a vial of pheromones may or may not have.
Now if I could only get that darn mut of mine to keep it’s nose out of my crotch….