Okay, will college classes starting again next week, I thought it appropriate to write an article of all the things I learned about college. These are things you will only learn in college. Even as you read them, you will not believe me or you will not understand until you are there. Believe me, these aren’t exaggerations. This article was only going to be the Top Ten Things I Learned in College, but after ten, I just couldn’t stop writing. I hope you find this article informative, and maybe it’ll make you smile, too.
Without further ado, things college taught me:
…that professors still use the bell curve!
…that you will always get a lower grade than you deserve because of the bell curve.
…that you will want to shoot the stupid person in class because of the bell curve.
…that campus cops assume you are guilty until proven innocent.
…that nice cars will get rammed and keyed just ‘because’.
…that it is possible to cook food with an iron.
…that you never bring anything to college you aren’t willing to lose.
…that even though you may work to pay your way through college, the professors are still going to treat you like a 3rd grader.
…that everyone has a cell phone, and making calls are the last thing they’re used for.
…that spring break is actually an anagram for “hah-hah-you-really-thought-you-were-getting-a-break-die-under-this-mound-of-insurmountable-homework!”
…that engineering majors are always the butt of jokes
…that the person with a tool kit under his/her bed will be the most popular in the dorm.
…that the huge classes are so much better than the tiny ‘intimate’ ones. In the huge ones, you can sleep, play GameBoy, or eat a burrito and not have to worry about getting called on.
…that the freshman 15 really is a myth. In actuality, it’s the freshman-30-per-semester.
…that walking across campus isn’t enough exercise to lose the freshman-30-per-semester.
…that ordering a pizza at 3AM is normal for both you and the pizza guy.
…that your body actually can adapt to eating garbage (aka, cafeteria food).
…that you like your family more when you’re only around them in limited time segments.
…that you will cry tears of relief when you discover your final paper is a short one, a mere 14 pages minus bibliography.
…that while printers normally cost 5 cents a page, the week of midterms and finals, it will cost $2 a page.
…that nobody has last names. They just aren’t important. If someone asks for your last name, they probably want to steal your identity.
…that you can actually make $5 dollars feed you for an entire week.
…that you actually learn what days you can skip class and what assignments you can ignore without any adverse effect on your grade.
…that laundry is of least importance. Your quarters and time are needed elsewhere.
…that making fun of someone[s] went out of style in high school; in college, everyone’s got better things to do, and better places to be, and harboring that kind of high school attitude will quickly get you tagged as a Freshman.
…that military doctors are more gentle than the University ‘health team’.
…that people will actually battle over loose change on the sidewalk – it could mean the difference between dinner or starving.
…that you can survive on two packs of Ramen noodles a day, with a multivitamin serving as your breakfast.
…that everyone procrastinates, even those who never did before; in college it’s called ‘time management’.
…that a 50 page book can cost $120, and a 450 page book can cost $60; it’s always the 50 page book that’s required.
…that duct tape really does hold the world together-along with the toilet, your shoe, the cracked window, and the textbook you used to play Frisbee earlier.
…that everyone in the dorm is hiding some sort of ‘pet’.
…that you will spend an ungodly amount of hours doing homework, yet it will never be finished.
…that walking across campus for 4 months with a fifty pound backpack really builds up the leg muscles.
…that sometimes, the best place to sleep is your car.
…that if you play your cards right, you can go a week without bathing before someone notices.
…that it is actually logical to trade a ten dollar bill for 16 quarters.
…that you can work you butt off, hardly managing work and class and ridiculous amounts of homework, get up at 6AM, go to bed at 3AM, be so stressed your hair starts falling out, finish the semester on the verge of a nervous break down, and still get stereotyped as a “college kid that parties all night and sleeps all day.”
Feel free to add anything you wish in the comment box below!