I’m feeling guilty about enjoying global warming. In fact, with apologies to the McDonald’s corporation, I’m lovin’ it!
I know I’m supposed to be freaking out about the 50-plus temperatures we’re having in mid-January, and the polar ice shelves that are breaking off and floating away, and the cherry trees blossoming in Washington D.C. as we speak/write. But, Al Gore forgive me, I’m not.
It’s not that I don’t believe global warming is happening. Worse than that, I’m glad it is.
My belief is because I am not personally responsible for the gradual rise in global temperatures, I don’t feel obligated to feel guilty about the unintentional positive benefits to me. I look at it as sort of like winning the weather lottery.
Of course the biggest win of all is not having to shovel snow, walk the dog in snow, slip and fall in snow, drive to work in snow, or have a rollover accident in snow. No, I don’t look back nostalgically on the blizzard of 1978 when I was a single mother living in a drafty apartment and the snow reached higher than the roof of my gray, tread-worn, Buick La Sabre.
Nor do I reflect fondly on the frequent ice storms, the10-day stints of sub-zero temperatures, or repeatedly having to push my car out of the ditch.
Here, feel my elbows. It’s the first time they’ve been smooth during the month of January since 1995. And I haven’t even run the humidifier yet this year, let alone had to purchase one of those expensive filters.
Of course, as we all know, one of the biggest benefits of GW is the reduction in our heating bills. Soon, natural gas will be in such great supply the gas companies won’t be able to give it away!
O.K., that might be a little overly optimistic.
Sure, ice skating is out. But snowmobiling is, too, which is noisy and the exhaust is smelly and, if I’m not mistaken, contributes to the hole in the ozone layer.
But, as a trade-off, bicycling has become a year ’round activity. And now you can ride on the empty snowmobile trails.
Regretfully, the climate warmed up right after my husband and I purchased our cross-country skis about 15 years ago, which forced us to travel to some cool places (no pun intended) like Lake Tahoe and Colorado in search of ski lodges with snow and warm fireplaces and hot toddies.
Score another one for GW.
Snow-shoeing is another sport I sort of miss. When I start missing it too much, I hop in the car on a sunny January day and drive on dry asphalt to the casino and play a little video poker. At least my right arm gets a little exercise.
Yes, the kids can’t make snow angels or build snowmen. But they also can’t throw snowballs at each other or go tobogganing which means fewer trips to the ER and more money in your pocket.
Maybe I’m unsympathetic towards the snow shortage because, as I write this, I recall a rather traumatic incident when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade when a bully got me on the ground out on the playground in back of the school and shoved snow in my face and into my mouth until I couldn’t breathe and I wet my pants.
I’ll have to call my psychologist later.
The main thing is to not feel guilty about the unseasonably temperate days, low gas bills, and the trips to Tahoe.
Unless of course you’re taking a private jet to your 50,000 square-foot energy-guzzling mansion, taking your yacht for a spin then hopping on your recreational snowmobile.
Like no doubt many filthy rich movie stars and politicians do in their spare time.
For the rest of us I recommend we rip off our parkas and just grin and bare it!