So you’d like to know what the type of music you like says about you? Luckily for you I’ve studied and recorded data on literally dozens of people and their listening habits. Unfortunately, I accidentally used that report to line my bird cage. To make up for this gross negligence on my part, I’ll simply make things up as I go along. Enjoy!
Rap
You’re a bad dude… or at least that’s what you try to tell everybody. I have the sneaking suspicion though that you’ve never actually shot a dozen clowns, burned down a jail, or any of the other things you claim to have done. Word.
Oldies
I’m sorry, I don’t care how great you thought your music was back then and how bad you think modern music is, you’re wrong! All of your songs were about one of five things:
1) Some boy or girl who doesn’t really love you as much as you think they do. They probably don’t even know you exist.
2) Drugs. Yes, all those strange references you thought sounded cool but didn’t really know what they meant were actually about drugs. I’m looking at you tambourine man!
3) Cars. Your old piece of junk wasn’t that cool, get over it.
4) Rock and Roll. Yep, you wrote music about your music. I just don’t get it.
5) How much the older generation/establishment loved war and how they should be like you and love the four things listed above.
Country
You and it have come along way in the last ten or so years. It’s gone from being a bunch of twangy noises about trucks, beer, and cheating spouses to becoming Rock and Roll’s little brother who finally gets to wear “the big boy pants.” You in comparison have… wait, how have you changed again?
Techno
You like to take little bits of something good and pour into one giant pot, thereby creating a result that is less then what you started with. It’s kind of like when little kids take their mashed potatoes, corn, chocolate milk, sweet potato pie, and rice and mix them all together into a gray pile and then dare each other to eat the vile concoction.
Pop Rock
You’re easily swayed by what’s new and cool, even if it’s not something you yourself enjoy. You also probably wear all the trendy clothes, drive an SUV, eat only food endorsed by TV celebrities, and have no actual meaning in your life. Radical!
Metal (a.k.a. heavy metal)
You like things that are loud and intense. Could this be because these activates drown out the nagging feelings of inadequacy? Of course I feel safe saying this to your face since every metal fan has gone deaf.
Elevator music
Ouch! Words make me head feel hurt. Me no like words.
Parody songs
You think you’re hilarious! You’re the bee’s knees. You’re the cats meow. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. You rock out loud. Sadly though, none of those things are true.
Any music whatsoever
This maybe my inner psychoanalyst talking but it is my esteemed opinion that your interest in music, regardless of genre, is an overt manifestation of your unfulfilled sexual desires. Either that, you just like the rhythms.
