The greatest line ever was, “Where do you think you are?”
And Simon was right! It’s the home of Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Hicks. Millionaires. Making millions. SELLING millions. Even people who don’t win are selling millions. Bo Vice and Clay Aiken ring a bell?
And what about Jennifer Hudson tearing up the Golden Globes?
So, what did Simon mean by that? It’s easy. It’s American Idol.
In other words, what business do you have of coming in here looking like an idiot and not being able to carry a tune in a bucket? This is not the local karaoke. This is not mom and pop’s talent contest. This is American Idol and millions of people are watching. The winner gets a life handed to them on a silver platter with a recording contract, a tour…etc. A car, a plane, clothes…etc. You might even get to beat Faith Hill in the CMT music awards. That’s how big this show is.
And you want to come in here looking like Modern Amish guy or Apollo Creed from Rocky, sing like you don’t have any sense and expect to pass through. What are you thinking? Where do you think you are?
But, they make the show. If everyone was great and Simon, Randy and Paula had to crack down, the show would be all about honest critique and good talent. For two hours. At least, these American Idiots offer us a comic relief. They lose all the dignity they have left for 5 minutes of television time. And some of them I think are categorical. I mean, categorical and certifiable.
They cannot carry a tune and whoever told them they could needs slapped. They dance stupid, forget the words and do all kinds of goofy things.
A lady brought a picture she drew of the yellow brick road and sang from Wizard of Oz like the lion. Complete with grrrs. “Just go! Please? … Try the other door!”
A guy was juggling. He couldn’t sing. And he could barely juggle.
It’s not a variety show people! Get out! All of you! Yes, that means you too!
Then they cry when Simon says, “Hey, at least now you know you suck. You can move on with your life.”
“That son of a @#&%! They cut me off. They wouldn’t let me finish.”
“They don’t know what they’re missing!”
“Can I try again?”
“No!”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Well, what can I do?”
“There’s the door.”
And then they cry. I’ve got a few words for them. But, Carlos Mencia can say it much better than I can. Let’s put it this way. The first letter of the three words are “d,” “d,” and “d.”
If you don’t get it, then that’s you man. It’s just like at the poker table. If you can’t spot the fish, that’s because it’s you.
And truly priceless is Simon’s look. When he is totally bewildered, and I think it’s not an act, he actually gets totally bewildered, he’ll have a blank look on his face like, “Are you kidding me?”
List of possible questions going through Simon’s mind:
“What the $#@& is this $#&@?”
“Am I really watching this?”
“Is this guy for real?”
“What is wrong with this person?”
…And the list goes on.
Granted, there have been maybe two people who have made it through just because Simon, Paula and Randy thought it was good for a laugh. One guy actually got a recording contract and one hit because it was good for a laugh. His dance with his song went nationwide because it was good for a laugh. And by the way, what a way to become famous.
You’re taking yourself seriously and the only reason people know about you is because you were good for a laugh. Your dignity for 15 minutes of fame.
Hmm let me see! My dignity vs. 15 minutes of fame. Wouldn’t take me long to think about it at all.
American Idol has made its staple on the American culture. It is the breeding ground of serious artists. It is a legitimate contest that produces outstanding results. I don’t mind an American Idiot who goes to have fun, knows he’s going to get rejected and just wants to have a laugh. Maybe they’ll see that and put him on Last Comic Standing. But for everyone else, you should get a clue before you go and be truly honest with yourself about whether or not you can sing.
Because there are millions of people just like me who get a kick out of watching you make a fool of yourself!
