Bill O’Reilly and Stephen Colbert, two high-profile television personalities, two staunch Republicans. O’Reilly, of course, is the host of The O’Reilly Factor on the Fox News Channel (ya know, that “fair and balanced” cable news channel). Colbert is the host of The Colbert Report on Comedy Central, which is essentially a satire of The O’Reilly Factor. O’Reilly, who spins every issue like a top, calls his show “The No-Spin Zone,” while the hilarious Colbert portrays an egotistical blowhard who acts nearly as idiotic as O’Reilly himself. Here is why Bill O’Reilly should date Stephen Colbert and where they should go.
Stephen Colbert has always affectionately referred to the pompous ass Bill O’Reilly as Papa Bear. Clearly there is sentiment behind that pet name. And of course, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Colbert has defended Bill O’Reilly and other dumbasses on Fox News like Geraldo Rivera time and time again to The Daily Show’s news anchor Jon Stewart. Colbert has essentially been courting Papa Bear O’Reilly since he started the run of his highly successful television program. And finally, Bill O’Reilly has come around.
Bill O’Reilly hosts the top-rated program on cable news. Before you shake your head in bewilderment, remember Americans also voted for President George W. Bush. Twice. Now O’Reilly, who has belittled Stephen Colbert and Comedy Central in the past, has agreed to swap television show appearances with Colbert. Clearly, Bill O’Reilly is enamored. And we all know what happens when Bill O’Reilly is enamored. Sexy phone calls, crude and highly inappropriate remarks, audio tapes, lawsuits, bullshit denials, payoffs and cover-ups.
In typical O’Reilly fashion, Papa Bear said, “I’m really looking forward to speaking to a man who owes his entire career to me.” Egocentric, yes. But what strikes me is, this asshole just doesn’t seem to get it. I want to slap O’Reilly on the back of his fat, bulbous head and say, “He’s making fun of you, jackass.” It’s nothing to be proud of, to wear as a badge of honor. Colbert hates you, his fans hate you. Hell, everyone with half a brain… Well, you get the gist.
Stephen Colbert, who may very well be the funniest man on television, said this: “I look forward to the evening. It is an honor to speak face-to-face with a broadcasting legend, and I feel the same way about Mr. O’Reilly.”
The appearances aired on January 18, 2007. And they should lead to a date.
We all know Bill O’Reilly is a sexual being. I mean, just look at him. He’s oozing with sex. And anyone who appears to hate homosexuals as much as he does must harbor some feelings of man-love. And what better companion than Colbert?
Where should they go? Well first, they should frolic through Central Park, discussing everything from America’s border with Mexico to the audacity of Congress to attempt to raise the minimum wage. How dare people earn enough money to eat!
Then, a weekend in Washington D.C., where they can camp outside the White House in the hopes of catching a glimpse of their white knight, President George W. Bush, or his trusty steed, Dick Cheney. They can make love at the Watergate Hotel and role play: Colbert can be Condi Rice to O’Reilly’s Karl Rove.
Yes, Stephen Colbert owes his entire career to Bill O’Reilly. Much as a policeman owes his career to criminals. Much as an exterminator owes his career to vermin and cockroaches. Much as a sanitation worker owes his career to trash. Much as the man who cleans manure from the streets of Wild West City owes his career to horseshit.
And that is why Bill O’Reilly should date Stephen Colbert.