Britney Spears should go out with Kid Rock. They would be perfect for one another, think about it. Can’t you imagine just how much fun the tabloids and late night talk show hosts would have with this paring? But seriously, can’t you just see them together? They really do have a lot more in common than you might think.
This could be a match finding true happiness unlike other Hollywood romances. Britney Spears and Kid Rock could be the next Brad and Jennifer, Billy Bob and Angelina, Alec and Kim, and David and Liza-all successful unions.
Both Britney Spears and Kid Rock have a track record of failed, very short marriages, but hey, who doesn’t? Britney Spears, age 25, has been married twice. With track records like theirs, they are sure to find a life time of love with each other. Everyone knows that if you marry enough people, eventually the odds are you’ll find a marriage that lasts.
In one of the shortest celebrity marriages ever, Britney Spears’s 2004 marriage to Jason Alexander lasted a whopping fifty-five hours until it was annulled. And surely setting another celebrity record was the fact that Britney Spears married twice in 2004, but who’s counting. Britney’s second marriage, again in 2004, to Kevin Federline (K-Fed) lasted two years before they divorced in 2006. Two years is like twenty years in Hollywood land marriages. The third time around in marriage will surely be the charm for Britney Spears.
Kid Rock, age 36, married longtime, on and off again, love Pamela Anderson in 2006. They had three separate wedding ceremonies both in the United States and abroad as a symbol of their deep commitment to each other. I guess they figured that if they said “I do,” enough times they might really mean it. This union lasted an eternal four months when Pamela Anderson filed for divorce from Kid Rock. I know the whole world must have been very shocked when this model, picture perfect couple divorced. Who could have possibly known the dream would end?
Both Britney Spears and Kid Rock are both devoted and exemplary parents. Kid Rock is the father of a son with an ex-girlfriend, Kelly South. Britney Spears is the mother of two young sons with ex-husband Kevin Federline. Britney Spears is renowned for her parenting expertise and sets a model of child safety for us all. She is reportedly now writing a guide book about childrearing called, “Rule #1, Don’t Drop the Kid,” as well as her own line of gold lame covered infant car seats. Britney Spears, always the conservative, makes a conscientious effort to avoid the party scene in favor of spending copious amounts of quality time with her children. I know that she will never be the focus of a tell all book from her sons, ala “Mommy Dearest.”
Both Britney Spears and Kid Rock meet each other’s preferences for appearance in a partner. Britney Spears obviously likes her men scruffy and dirty, judging from K-Fed. She wants a man who smells of week old body odor, booze and stale cigarette smoke. I know that Kid Rock is known for wearing suits and ties and being clean cut, but I’m sure we could scruff his look up a little bit for Britney.
Now we all know that Kid Rock likes skimpily clad, busty, bleach bottle blonds. Britney will have to compromise a little in this relationship and quit covering up her body in those muumuus she’s always seen in. Kid Rock obviously prefers women who have been caught on film naked, I guess he wants to examine the goods first. Pamela Anderson had her infamous sex tape. Britney Spears has been caught pantiless in many photos, yet again, and again. I am sure Kid and the rest of the world have seen Britney’s award winning, high-art, fashion shots in which she made a deep cultural statement by foregoing underwear to symbolize the plight of the homeless who cannot afford underwear. That Britney, always the social activist.
After being married to Kevin Federline, an established career man, who’s musical career far surpassed her own one-hit-wonder status-being with Kid Rock will be a change of pace. I know that Kid Rock, unlike Kevin Federline doesn’t even have his own bank account. Kid Rock,’s career and talent are far less than the world renowned K-Fed. But Britney can learn to adjust to this. She has to learn to quit marrying men for their money before she becomes the next Anna Nicole Smith.
Now that we know Britney Spears and Kid Rock are a match made in heaven that is sure to last until eternity, we have to set them up on their first date. I know that they both lead very celibate lives and never date, but surely we can persuade them to at least go on one date.
Never fear, Britney Spears and Kid Rock, I have the perfect first date all planned out for you. I know that these activities may be new to you both, but try them-you might enjoy them. This would be a date starting at three in the afternoon, or when ever Britney wakes up after a full night of meditation and Bible reading- as we know she does every night like a good girl would.
The date would start with a trip to the liquor store for some $0.99 boxed wine coolers. Now I know that neither Britney Spears or Kid Rock ever drink alcohol, as this would tarnish their squeaky clean images. But, really guys, just loosen up. I’m sure you won’t end up drunk and throwing up in an alley behind the liquor store, you both know better and have too much class for this.
After consuming said wine coolers, then it is time for the next activity. Next on our menu of fun for Kid and Britney is a stop by the local tattoo parlor. Since about five minutes after they met, they already know they will spend their lives together- it’s time to prove their love by inscribing each other’s names on various bodily appendages. I know that Kid Rock would never even consider defiling his body with a tattoo. But he really needs to wow Britney with this declaration of his undying love for her. I mean, with no career and no money, how else is he going to sweep her off of her feet? This is what regular folks do, isn’t it?
I’m sure Kid Rock and Britney Spears could use some refreshment at this point of the evening. So they again need to stop by the liquor store for more booze. I’m thinking maybe straight whiskey out of a bottle in a brown paper bag at this point of the evening, or is it too early for that? I mean you don’t want the public to know it’s liquor in that bag, so it’s better to cover it up and let them think it’s chocolate milk.
Well, Kid and Britney surely are getting hungry by now. Being strict vegetarians who treat their bodies as temples, I’m sure they would prefer to eat tofu and rice cakes. But, this is a date guys, live a little. It’s time to try something we common folks call junk food. A stop at a vending machine for Twinkies and Cheeto’s should do it.
Having filled their stomachs with this haute cuisine, it’s time for the next activity of the evening. I know Britney is a nice, Christian girl, but she really could loosen up and shed that virginal, puritanical image of hers. It’s time for a stop at the local mud wrestling and strip club. I know the fact that people actually do this sort of thing will be shocking for both of them, but it’s time to try new things. I mean, I’m sure neither one of them would actually participate in such activities normally. I’m sure they will both be appalled at the nudity and suggestive gyrations of the women.
Britney Spears is a true romantic and traditionalist at heart. I don’t think she would be content with ending the evening with the traditional first date kiss as a nice girl would. Since they have now spent several hours together, they both know they are madly in love. It’s time for the final stop of the evening-a Vegas wedding chapel where the lovebirds will vow to spend eternity together. I mean, after you’ve known someone for two whole hours, how can you not know that it’s meant to be?
I know that this union will prove to be the longest lasting one in Hollywood history, or maybe not. Maybe this marriage will last 56 hours, a whole hour more than her first marriage. Britney Spears already knows how to get annulment in Vegas. What’s one more annulment or divorce between consenting adults. But I think they’ll find lasting love, Brad and Jen are still happy, aren’t they?