Two of television’s most repugnant personalities recently went head to head. And it wasn’t pretty. You couldn’t watch a newscast or view a website without seeing Donald Trump’s face alongside Rosie O’Donnell’s while a talking head announced what each of them said. Well, it’s time for Rosie and The Donald to kiss and make up. And since Valentine’s Day is so near, the two of them should go public with their mutual apologies and go out on a date. Here is why Donald Trump should date Rosie O’Donnell and where they should go.
Rosie O’Donnell more or less started all of this when she commented on Donald Trump’s handling of the Miss USA fiasco. After Trump announced that he would give Tara Conner a second chance (not to act like a drunken, drug-addled slut), Rosie called The Donald a “snake-oil salesman” on her show “The View.” (Why she was added to that cast of “The View” is beyond me; Rosie never enhanced a single “view” in her life).
Rosie went on to mock The Donald’s voice and hair, and implied that his own personal life (divorces and affairs) should exclude him from acting as the moral compass for the twenty-year-old beauty queen. Then Rosie hit The Donald where it hurts. She said the B-word (B-A-N-K-R-U-P-T-C-Y), after predicting that Trump would sue her for her remarks. “He’ll probably be bankrupt by that time, so I won’t have to worry.”
That made The Donald’s ridiculous hair stand on end. He responded like any intelligent, reasonable, mature, multimillionaire would do. He threatened to have someone steal Rosie’s girlfriend, Kelli. He then made remarks about Rosie’s failed talk show, her failed magazine, and he looks. (Talk about stating the obvious). He called her “stupid,” “a bully,” and a “real loser” on The Insider.
Doesn’t this already sound like a hot fight that requires a lot of make-up sex? Well, that’s not all.
Rosie acted just as maturely as The Donald by responding, “I just think he’s a hot bag of wind, frankly, with bad hair.” Score! I mean, really. Pointing out that Donald Trump has bad hair is like pointing out the fact that water makes things wet.
Well, The Donald didn’t like that at all, so he went back to The Donald’s High School Playbook, and struck back… By trying to cause a rift between Rosie O’Donnell and her co-host Barbara Walters (hereinafter referred to as “Babs”).
Then, and this I can never forgive him for, The Donald commented about Rosie as follows. “She was like a little clam. A disgusting thought isn’t it, when you compare Rosie to a clam?” Why, yes, Mr. Trump, it really goddamn is. So why did you have to do it, and put that image in half of America’s heads?
Donald Trump went on to call Rosie “disgraceful, a horrible human being, a terrible person.” If that doesn’t sound like someone in love, I don’t know what does.
Rosie responded by writing a poem about Donald Trump and placing it on her blog. Why The Donald didn’t ask her out on a date right then and there is beyond me. I mean, poetry? How romantic.
In the poem, Rosie called The Donald a pimp (and as everyone knows, pimpin’ ain’t easy). The Donald responded by calling Rosie “a slob.” Babs chimed in, but I don’t understand her with that awful lisp. Trump called Rosie “a degenerate.” Then his hot daughter entered into the fray. Somebody said “fat” and it seems that “slob” and “degenerate” are fine, but “fat” isn’t cool.
I think Rosie hit the nail on the head when she accused Donald Trump of being obsessed with her. Clearly, Rosie is right. Why else would one of America’s richest men waste his time with the likes of her? I think Donald Trump wants a date. And he wants it bad.
And that’s why Donald Trump should date Rosie O’Donnell.
And where should they go? Well, my first thought was that they should both go to hell. But after further reflection, I think Atlantic City would be nice. After all, not all of The Donald’s casinos went bankrupt there, did they?