I have seen into the future of evolution.
In a dream last night, I went to the future and my brain was warped by the horror of what I saw. What was it, you ask? Robots? No. You’d wish for robots. It’s much worse.
Try to contain your fear.
See, when you’ve got flying bears, no man is safe.
Picture this: you’re in a hang glider, flying along, looking at the ground and the thousands of trees below you. Maybe you’re thinking about having a granola bar.
Then, you see something far in the distance. At first, you think it’s a bird. Then, you start to think maybe it’s a big bird, like an eagle or a falcon or a turkey vulture. Then, you realize…
“OH, GOD IN HEAVEN!” you scream. “IT’S A F@#$ING FLYING BEAR!”
“GWWWWUUUNGGGHHHHH” the bear hollers as it grabs you in mid air and begins biting your face as it drags you, helpless, back to its Bear-Nest.
Camping will be completely impossible. Not only will you have to watch all four sides of yourself for the still-dangerous Ground Bears, but when you lay down by the campfire and gaze up into the night sky, one of those shooting stars might be a bear headed right for you, set on fire from flying to close to the sun. Yes, the dreaded Icarus bear; it’s big, it’s on fire, and it prefers fish but it would love to eat you.
The flying bears won’t stop at consuming the outdoorsmen, either. No, they prefer business men, because bears prefer organization (any wildlife expert can tell you that their filing systems are immaculate). A wall of archers will have to surround every major city to stop the fierce Warrior Bears from swooping down and tearing helpless business-people apart before bringing them back to their Queen.
Yes, that’s right. Bears will organize into hives.
Why are bears so monumentally disturbing? Perhaps it’s that they seem lazy, then tear people apart with the ferocity of, well, a bear. Maybe it’s that they both love pic-i-nic baskets and human flesh and would gladly elude a park ranger for either. Maybe it’s just that I can imagine them tearing off a human head and eating my innards like honey.
But when they evolve wings, Jesus, watch out. We won’t have a chance. If they get flight goggles, there won’t be anywhere to hide. And god help us if they elect a leader.
It’s like the great poet Robert Frost once said; “some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. I say flying bears would be much scarier.”
Quite frankly, the future is a terrifying place.